THREE BIRDS

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.

2012-01-24T14:26:00.000-08:00

This word "obedience" has come up a lot lately (for Dustin and i in many areas of our lives.) I know the lord is calling us to a season of change, growth, maturity, obedience and pruning off of us what is dead so new-fresh branches can grow. Seasons come and go, but this process should be a constant, even if we "feel" stagnant, God is always in the business of molding our hearts more to the shape of His.

One of my least favorite things to deal with as I train up my toddler to become a functioning human person in society is delayed obedience. If I tell you to do something, don't argue and putts around looking off in the other direction-with your tiny finger in your tiny cute nose, ignoring my words! "Look at me in my eyes & listen to my words!" Is what I say to my son when he tests my patience with his delayed obedience as i try to discipline. It is the most frustrating thing in the world! My skin gets warm, i feel the rage start to bubble up in my spirit, & I feel myself desire to squeeze his twiggy little arms. (If you've never experienced this as a parent, you're a robot OR you're just a whole lot more patient than I!)

Delayed obedience makes me twitch and shake! It makes me want to scream! That's when I have to take a deep breath and pray for an intervention! Please Jesus, intervene because my flesh wants to open a can of whoop some two year old ass at the moment! CAN I GET A WITNESS? BUT, this is what training kids is. Over and over and over we say, "Use your big boy words! Don't whine." and, "Don't pick your nose and wipe it on your sisters cheek!" (Lord help me!) and, "Share with your friend!" and my favorite, "You kick my seat one more time and do that annoying screech again and I will pull this car over and spank your bottom!" You like that one? Good stuff right?! My life is real glamorous!

Delayed obedience: Not responding to authority immediately.

That's what I've been doing to God. Not responding immediately to authority and doing my own thing. I've been picking my nose and wiping it on stuff like a two year old, just because I think I'm boss. But that's not really how this relationship works, me and god. I don't get to just wipe boogers on everything and act like a two year old.

God told me to quit a job that I was working at, (at a church when Dustin & I got married 6 years ago) but I didn't listen and a few weeks later, because I didn't listen to him when he gave me direction, I was consequently fired from that job. The reason was absolutely silly, which leads me to believe that it was a "god" thing. He was telling me, "If you don't obey and do as I say, I will remove you myself." Ouch. He was giving me the choice to do what was asked of Him and I chose not to listen, thus was removed from that job. (cuz' He knows some stuff about what's best for me.... no big deal, He's just the god of the whole universe.) Getting myself kicked to the curb from a job that I really loved, for a silly reason hurt. But he had GREATER things for me that I was missing out on. It's always better to listen the first time, I've learned. It could have saved me from a lot of heart ache.

Telling a toddler, "You need to listen the FIRST time!" is a hard concept, but one, I believe they can catch onto (eventually). A friend told me recently, "Don't treat Conrad like a baby. He's not a baby. He understands. What, are you going to wait til' he's five until you start training him to do what you want? At that point, you could reason with him more and it won't be such a fight? No, then it's too late."

God has been showing me that to be the kind of wife that my husband deserves and the kind of mother my kids need, I have to sacrifice my life for them in a different way. The proverbs 31 wife gets up before her family rises and gets the day prepared for them. She puts their needs above hers. I want to be that wife & Mom. (anyone who says the bible is outdated and not accurate needs to bust that shiz out because I find that it relates to my life on a daily basis. hash tag alert #justsayin)

Ahem..... back onto what I was saying. During new years, sitting at the table with my family, I asked everyone what their new years resolutions were or what their goals were for 2012. We all went around and said what our goals were. Mine was to be a better manager of my home. That's a great goal to work towards, but I don't believe that was what God's vision is for me this year, entirely. My Dad said that his goal that the lord has been convicting him of is Idolatry. He wants to get rid of his idols this year. The things he cherishes more than Jesus, the things that vie for his affections, he wants to be freed from those things. As he, in his humility, spoke about laying down his life for God and taking up his cross daily to follow Jesus more closely, I felt a heaviness in my heart, like God was saying, "I want that for you too."

One of my biggest idols is the Internet. I love pinterest, facebook, blogs etc. I have used facebook to connect with moms and get advice & I love looking at my friends cute kids & getting yummy recipes from pinterest and cute ideas to decorate my house, but it can distract me from what's important. It can make me feel discontent & take up time that I could be using to love my family better. (cleaning, meal planning, organizing, & working on Conrad's pre-school curriculum.)

A recent conversation with my husband:
Dustin: Did we have an earth quake while I was at work that I wasn't aware of? This place looks tore up.
Me: Um, well, I spent nap time watching this really amazing birth video and looking on pinterest and chatting with my friend on fb and catching up with my blog friends then I took a shower and then BAM! The kids woke up...! Ooopsies. (cute smiling and batting eye lashes.)
Dustin: that's wonderful honey, but I don't have clean socks......

Like, he's right. It's not all about me. I get it. My home is my job and it's not always an easy breezy beautiful cover girl type of gig. It's hectic. It's art class on Monday, play dates through out the week, nap schedules, grocery shopping, meal planning, folding 10 loads of laundry a week, home schooling Conrad, photography jobs & gymboree class on Friday. My kids are on a pretty tight schedule. We don't sit on our pj's all day watching Elmo. Keeping your head above water isn't easy, so sometimes it's nice to pretend that all of these tasks don't really exist and escape mentally from it all. (Hash tag allert) #pinterestismyboyfriend #pinterest=procrastination #pinterestmakesmeabadwife

I believe God put it on my heart to take a break from media all together a while back after watching {THIS} but I've been picking my nose and wiping it on stuff, ignoring his words, his voice, his nudgings because I love the things that bring me pleasure more than I love serving my family and making their lives easier (i.e. folding socks and managing my home.) It's shameful to admit. (I kind of doubt that I'm alone in these feelings though.)

So I'm taking a month long (gulp) break from my boyfriend "the Internet" and all of his sleazy, slutty, adulterous ways that have been making me whore myself all over the inter web (hypothetically speaking) and giving my attention and affections to an idol that can't lift me to the place that I need to be as a mother and wife. Only Jesus can purify and refine me. I just received this fantastic book to read through with my friend Randi for the next 90 days, and I can't wait to get my focus back and spend this time with the one who can revive me.

PLUS, my husband has been wearing the same socks for a week now.... so yeah, there's that part too.

Conrad has been sleeping in his big boy bed for 3 days now. He falls out every night but we put pillows down so the thud isn't as severe.....It's kind of sad but he's almost 3, so I know it's time!

{See you in a month, sleaz-a-licious Interwebby boyfriend face.}

Ps, If you need me, you can reach me by email at crobbins223@gmail.com
I will still be posting over on my photography blog.
A girls' gotta work Y'all.

{An American Missionary Births In Africa} Jenny's Story:

2012-01-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am so thrilled to share this story with you guys today. One of the hottest pregnant ladies who has ever walked the planet (I can say that because she's my friend.....) is sharing her birth story today! It's pretty entertaining & unique. Enjoy!

I found out I was pregs at a crazy time in our life. We had been married two years, and yet we were already “parents” to seventeen middle and high school girls. Let me back it up. My husband John and I both grew up overseas. My parents were missionaries in Hong Kong, and John’s Dad worked for an air-conditioning company in Malaysia. We met in the sixth grade when I started going to boarding school there to get an American education. Don’t you fret, it was an awesome experience. Better than awesome. I can’t imagine not going to the school we did. We were surrounded by loving dorm parents and teachers, and best of all, we got to live with our friends 24/7. It was like summer camp on crack. Amazing. But ANYWAY, after re-meeting in college, and eventually getting married and moving to Vegas, we never expected God to call us to WORK in a boarding school in West Africa. But…in God’s crazy way, he did…and we jumped at the chance!

Nothing could have prepared us for being dorm parents. Even though I spent 6^th-12^th grade in the boarding program, being on the other side of the fence was completely different. We had great girls (for the most part), but like kids anywhere, they had their drama, their issues, and their needs, and we struggled through our first year learning how to meet them. So you can IMAGINE our surprise when we found out we were going to have a newborn on top of having seventeen teenagers! As you can guess, little Levi wasn’t “planned” (by us anyway), but obviously, he was a huge surprise and the girls were just as excited as if they were his real older sisters. We were excited to have seventeen babysitters on hand at a moment’s notice =0)

Our doctor was a wonderful Senegalese woman, named Dr. Ba. I was so happy she was a woman- I’ve just always been more comfortable with women doctors, especially when it has a lot to do with my vajay-jay…which giving birth does. =0) Our biggest concern was the language barrier and Dr. Ba kept insisting that her English was poor. So for our first few visits to her office, we brought our French-speaking friends along to translate- not the most ideal situation, but you gotta do what you gotta do. When we finally braved it and went alone, we realized that Dr. Ba actually spoke much more English than she let on. Most of our sessions were done in a mix of English, French, and lots of body language. I know it may seem crazy to a lot of people, but somehow, we made it work.

People always ask me what it was like to give birth in Africa, and I always tell them, “It was great- and I’d do it again in a heartbeat!” Sure I had to drive down a dirt road filled with potholes to get an ultra-sound (I actually thought I was going to go into labor near the end just driving down that road!). Sure I had to get monthly blood tests because of all the diseases and things that comes along with living in West Africa. Sure I couldn’t take a single birthing class because there weren’t any in English.

In many ways, though, not having all of the fancy equipment and all of the fuss, made the whole birthing experience really…simple.

A week after my due date, after lots of walking and everything else pregnant woman try to do to get their baby out! ha!, I finally got contractions one afternoon. They came on throughout the day, and by supper time, surrounded by all of our dorm girls, I finally was getting to the point where I was uncomfortable and wanted to be alone. Around 8:30, with my nerdy (gotta love him) husband was graphing, yes graphing, how far apart my contractions were, we finally called up our friends and let them know we were on our way to the hospital. I quickly finished putting up some birthday decorations for one of our dorm girls, resting in between contractions. All of the girls were at the school play, so we texted them, left a note on the white board, and headed out. We drove down the bumpy, dirt roads (yes, ouch by this point) and made it to the hospital by 9:30 pm. When we went inside, there wasn’t a soul around. My husband actually had to go searching for a doctor, a nurse, a security guard…anyone! He finally found a couple of nurses and they took me to the delivery room. By this point I was in some major pain, so you can imagine how pissed I was when they told me I was only dilated 3 cm! “You’ve got to be f’ing joking me!” I think I said…or at least thought. (Even though I wasn't where I hoped I would have been in labor, I was still very glad to have gotten to labor comfortably at home, with my husband.)

The next hour or so is a little bit of a blur. I know I was doubled over with contractions and that the doctor came in to give me the epidural I wanted. However, after giving it to me, I rolled over, making the medicine go only to one side. It’s weird to explain, but half my body was numb, and the other half was feeling everything! Bizarre! While there were a couple of nurses around, my doctor still hadn’t show up, and ended up getting there just in time.

As I said before, I hadn’t had any birthing classes, and very little preparation for the big day. Like many first time births, I kind of went into it with a lot of fear and questions, but at the same time knowing that I could do it. Honestly, the one thing that kept me going was thinking, “African women have babies all the time in little dirt huts with no medical help, no doctors, no pain killers…look how cushy I have it! You can DO this! Billions of women have done this!” I picked a focal point in the room (the air conditioner) and when Dr. Ba said push, push I did. I know at one point I turned to my husband and said, “I can’t do this, “ and then to my doctor, “The epidural is NOT working!!!!!” Deep inside though, I knew I COULD do it, and I knew I HAD to do it. Levi’s head ended up getting stuck in the birth canal, and not only did they have to use forceps, one of the nurses actually got ON TOP OF ME AND PUSHED ON MY STOMACH with her entire body weight to get him out. Oh, and did I mention that I was laying naked by open windows on the second floor, with a myriad of fruit vendors and phone card guys hanging out on the street below. So yeah…everyone got a show from the crazy, screaming white lady that night. My mother (who is a nurse), told me she had never seen anything like it. I screamed my lungs out, not so much from pain, but from not being able to breathe! That was a crazy moment…but in a matter of seconds, Levi was resting on my tummy, his skin on mine, and I was looking at the most beautiful, little blessing.

I could not believe that I got to the hospital at 9:30 pm and by 11:15 pm, I had a baby! I had heard that it normally took hours and hours for a first time birth, but somehow, I got really lucky! My husband had to run across to the pharmacy and buy me some of the gigantic pads, because in Senegal, they don’t provide anything for you- you bring your pads, diapers for the baby,…everything. My time at the hospital was really great. I seriously wanted to stay there forever. The staff were amazing, the food was amazing (no lie), and we had electricity 24 hours a day! I did not want to go home! One of my fondest memories is when the “milk nurse” came in and asked me if my milk had come in yet. “I don’t think so,” I said cluelessly. Squeezing my boobs as hard as she could, she exclaimed, “YES! You have!”

Now maybe to some of you, this does kind of sound like a crazy birth story, but it honestly went so much more smoothly than I expected. Now that I’ve learned a lot more about natural birth, it is definitely something I will try next time around (i.e.- the end of July when our next baby is due). I honestly went into my first birth SO clueless, but I think it just goes to show that birth is so natural. Your body was created to do this! So even though birthing classes and books and websites are super helpful, even the most unprepared of women can have a healthy birth- I’m living proof!

{Announcing pregnancy #2}

Speaking on her behalf.

2012-01-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

Lately, Everything is,

"Sissy doesn't like your show Mommy! Sissy said you should turn it off!"

"Mom, sister wants me to get that new Chuggington DBD!"

"Elle doesn't want to eat you boob Mom, she wants gummy bears! With me!"

"Elle pickin' her nose mom! I saw'ed her doin' it Mom!! I tell her NO Elle!!"

"Can we go ride the carousel, sissy will ride a horsey too!"

"Mom, Sister tell me we going to Target today! She did, Mom! We goin'!"

"Elle likes when I draw on her belly with my markers mom! She likes it!"

"Sissy not go ni-night. She gunna do polar bear puzzle with me!"

As we get ready for our Target trip, I ask Conrad if we should leave Elle at home and go together just us two and he panics. "No mommy! Get Elle!" Get her mom. Don't leave her, she needs us!"

We're all laying on the bed in our pj's last night and Conrad leans over to hug Elle and whispers, "I love you so much baby. I love you so much."

I love how he speaks on her behalf and tells me what she wants or needs.
Even if it's mostly what HE wants or needs.....
It makes my heart so happy.

Baby pits, buttons & knee fat!

2012-01-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

{Can't get enough of it.}

Damara's {VHBA2C} Home birth after TWO Cesareans!

2012-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

Damara's story is AH-Mazing. I welled up with tears several times.

Her strength, her determination, & her beauty is simply awe inspiring.

Throughout my entire pregnancy I read countless birth stories. I ooooh’ed and awwww’ed over them. They inspired me. I couldn’t wait to write my birth story and share the experience. Here is my birth story……

When Mike and I found out we were expecting, I'll be honest, home birth was not our first choice. We made our OB appointment just like any other individual would. Days up to that I knew for a fact I did want to a vaginal delivery which meant I'd be asking my OB for a VBA2C. We went to our first OB appointment and as we waited I thought about all the questions I had for my VBAC. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to share with my OB. After the usual pee in a cup, scale, vaginal check she sat me up and asks any more questions? With her hand on the door ready to walk out. I proceed to ask for a VBAC. Without even an explanation or thought told me NO and continued on to tell me that I needed to consider tying my tubes because I couldn’t continue having multiple c-sections.

I was utterly shocked, I just said okay and she walks out. I get dressed. I don’t make another appointment and I walk out. I instantly hopped onto the Internet and Google search overload. At this point, I’m searching for OBs in town that do VBA2C (vaginal birth after two previous cesarean births). I’m reading the hospitals view on how dangerous it was. I start to get discouraged thinking this was it, I wasn’t going to be able to deliver vaginally. I was going to have another c-section and HATED the thought of it. Until I come across Ricki Lake’s documentary, The Business of Being Born. I read all the raves about home birth after a c-section. I was instantly hooked, I wanted to know more.

Mike sat and watched this documentary with me. We were amazed! I looked at him and KNEW I want a home birth! He was skeptical at first, until we met our beautiful and amazing midwife. Jill Colin was referred to me by more than one person. I set up my consultation and in the days leading up to our appointment I read on and on about birth. I became obsessed with it. Meeting Jill was a godsend. Mike was on board after our 2 hour appointment. Yes, ladies you heard right, 2 hours!!!! Tell me about a time you sat with your OB for 2 hours! She answered every concern and was on board with what we wanted to do.

We walked out Jill's office with the biggest smiles on our faces. I was going to do it! I was going to have a home birth! Even after my two previous cesarean births, we were going to attempt to have the birth that I always hoped for. Our appointments came and went each month lasting no less than 2 hours. Jill was involved not with just the pregnancy, she knew Mike, she knew me and she knew the kids. She wasn’t just a provider, she became our family. She got me ready by addressing my physical health & the baby's, but also worked to heal me from my previous experiences. She was concerned about the psychological aspects, the physical, emotional & spiritual aspects of birth. (She had another midwife, Kathya Delguila share in our birth experience and prenatal care. She was amazing as well.)

On Sunday October 30th, 2011, at night, I started having contractions, which I will soon learn are nothing compared to what I was going to endure. I got no sleep that night. Monday comes, I have a long list of things to do but dropping off Gavin at school was the only thing that got done that day. I came home and laid in bed and worked through one contraction at a time which at this point are anywhere from 7 to 10 minutes apart not lasting anymore than 30 seconds. It was Halloween day so I was not ready to call the midwife and yell LABOR! I couldn’t jip my kids out of trick or treating. I knew leading up to labor day that I wanted to try and have the "pity me, this hurts! I’m ready to deliver!" mindset so I wanted to make sure when the time came, it was definitely the right time. The day goes by and that night we trick or treat. After almost 2 hours of trick or treating and still having contractions, I was ready to call it a night.

We get the kids ready for bed who are no where near ready with their sugar high. Gavin passes out, Makayla on the other hand does not. Now, on any other day Makayla is a terror to put to sleep. This Halloween night was different...It's almost like she knew it was happening. I never showed my contractions on my face. No one, not even my sister who went trick or treating with us knew I was having contractions. Makayla wanted nothing but to lay with me, rub me, kiss me. And as the contractions drew closer together and lasting longer, I knew it was time.

Mike called Jill at around 11 pm as I tried to put Makayla to sleep. Finally, kids are asleep and I head downstairs, Mike with the most anxious look in his face is setting up the birth tub. I go back upstairs and get into something a little more comfortable. At this point, Jill has arrived with her wonderful sister, Gina, who also became a big part of the birth team that lead to my beautiful birth. I head back downstairs to everyone setting up to deliver a baby. I lay on the couch listening to Jill, Gina and Mike goofing off like they always do. I hear the water filling up the birth tub and I hear my head telling me, "You can do this, Damara! This is it, you've got this".

At around 12:30 am on 11-1-11, Jill checks me to see my progression. I wasn't dialated much. At that moment, I won't lie I wanted to cry. I thought, "Well, what the hell is going on!!" Jill gave me the choice to keep her with me or send her home and she would come back in the AM. I decided to keep her with me. Her and Gina head up to my room to catch whatever shut eye they can before the big show. Mike rubs my back as the contractions come and go. Jill headed down the stairs and checked me again and I showed a little progression but not a lot. I was already really exhausted at this point after being up for over 24 hours. I decided I wanted to lay down and TRY to sleep. As I lay there I got one really intense contraction and 2:30 am a POP and a GUSH my water breaks. I say, "I'm pretty sure my water just broke". This is when it gets intense.

Contractions are now 2 minutes apart lasting a minute, giving me only one minute between each contraction to regroup. Jill assured me that this was the start of something and told me to let her know when my body feels like pushing. Mike fed me a banana, spoonfuls of honey and water to get my energy back. About 45 minutes later, I realize my body starting to push. I looked at Mike and said, "This is it!". He looks at me and tells me he loves me as he pushes my messy hair out of my face and kisses me. I hopped in the water and Mike calls my sister to let her know that we were in labor (she lives 4 houses down). She comes over and relieves Mike for a little. She is holding my hand and pouring water on my neck and back putting warm rags on my head. I squeeze her hand with every contraction. I allow my body to push on its own. As much pain as I was in, I was so excited that the day had finally came.

Things became very hazy at this point. I didn’t do much, if any at all, talking at this point. If anyone heard a word out of me it was a soft oooohhhh or ahhhhhh through contractions. Any communication I used was a nod yes or no. Kat arrived around 6:30 am and this was when I really started pushing. I was not comfortable in the birth tub. I sat on the birth stool most of my labor. With each contraction, I pushed 3 small pushes. Daxton's heart rate dropped each time but after would come back up. I remember at this moment thinking, "This is what lead to me to my first c-section, please don’t let it happen again!". I spent about an hour and 45 minutes pushing in the birth tub with Kat and Jill rotating massaging him out while Gina and Mike rotating holding me. Melvia (my sister) was getting Gavin ready for school and taking both the kids with her. When I say I was in a haze, I was so much that I sent Gavin to school without thinking about his baby brother being born I should keep him home. HAHA. I looked up at him before he left that day gave him a kiss and followed with a push.

I was thankful he got to see what he did see. As much as I wanted the kids to see the whole birth process I was very thankful for my sister to take them when she did. Shortly after they left to drop Gavin off, Daxtons heart was lost. Jill looked at me and said its time to get this baby out. This whole time, I was not forcefully pushing Daxton out but allowing my body to push him out. Mike was behind me the whole time. I held his hands and listened to his encouraging words he repeated over and over. "I love you honey, I'm so proud of you, you can do this". Jill tells me to give it my everything next contraction! I squeeze down on Mike and push 4 pushes. His head is OUT. Jill grabs my hands and has me feel him. He was quiet. I cried silently because I knew I wasn’t done.

Mike tells me, "Common honey his head is out you've got this". There was so much excitement and love in the room. One more push later, my beautiful baby is born at 9:28am on 11-1-11. He had a short cord which was reasoning behind his heart being so up and down during the labor. So while we let the cord continue pulsing before it was cut, my baby lays on my lower stomach and Mike is behind me telling me how great I did and how beautiful he is as we look down at him and Mike cries. I surprisingly didn’t. I was so on that labor high that I smiled down at his beautiful face and mentally gave myself a pat on the back for not only having a vaginal birth but doing it 100% naturally. Mike felt down at his cord and felt blood continue into our baby's body. I felt his skin full of vernix so soft. Mike then is able to cut his cord and Daxton is then brought up to my chest and Mike and I have minutes of just looking at him, skin on skin with mommy and daddy. Shortly after I push out my placenta. I replayed my emergency c-section with Gavin and my planned c-section with Makayla at this moment and realize just how cheated I was with those previous births. Our experience at home was incredibly different. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Mike is with baby and Jill as they check him over and get him cleaned up a little. Kat is with me showing me my placenta (which is pretty much the coolest thing you’ll see). I lay on the couch and the fun begins. They weigh him 8 pounds even! They measure him 19 ½ inches! Perfect and healthy. I delivered my baby at home safely, without intervention and drug free. One of the greatest accomplishments of my life. My baby was mine to hold, no one was taking him from me. No one was checking me a million times. It was Mike, Daxton and Me. Our love was reassured at this moment. I had never felt closer to my husband. Mike was such an amazing support through everything. He made me as comfortable as I could have been at every moment. He got into the most uncomfortable positions to better my position. Now I'd be lying if I told you it didn’t hurt. Because it did hurt, in fact it hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced. But it was worth it. Worth the drugs not touching my unborn child, worth the experience of being able to deliver vaginally.

Home birth was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but the most rewarding thing also. I really had to FIGHT for the experience I wanted. Now here I am 3 weeks later and I can definitely tell you that I wouldn’t of birthed any other way. I now realize that birth is not an illness, it's not a risk…. it’s the most natural thing a woman could ever do. I'm asked all the time now, would you do it again?

My answer, again and again and again is HELL YES!

His Ear Is Not Deaf To My Voice.

2012-01-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

A week ago I asked God to give me new eyes this year, a new vision, a new perspective, a new word, a new anointing, a new ministry, a new desire, a new heart, a newness of life. During this time of prayer the word "new" kept coming up. I kept saying, new new new I need a new____________. Over and over.

One of last years lessons was that His arms aren't too short, his ears are not deaf to my voice, he doesn't disappoint. If I can choose to have faith and believe him for who he, If I can muster the faith, He will glady reach out his arm and put my desires right into my hand. If I've learned anything, I've learned that his ear is not deaf to my voice. Even if my words are few, his ear hears what my heart says.

After a few months of walking through a drought with god, I believe the cloud of grey has washed away and the Vail of fog over my eyes has been lifted. It's like I woke up one morning and knew what I wanted. The vision, the desire, the hope, the newness was suddenly no longer a longing or idea-a prayer, it was reality.

There is nothing in this whole world that I've ever felt like I was made to do (other than serve my husband & kiddlets & be a daughter of the Lord....) than help other woman gain the tools necessary to birth. Nothing excites me more than seeing a woman experience natural childbirth. Nothing. Those tiny moments when everyone in the rooms hearts are beating so hard you could hear it, nothing else going outside of what's happening in those moments matters, the air is thick with love, anticipation, excitement, & adrenaline. There is a sense of holiness lingering. Eyes are wet with tears. You look at the mother and her hair is drenched in sweat, she is focused on the prize, her baby. Your heart hurts because you know that she's feeling everything, you wish you could take that pain away, but you know that her PAIN BRINGS LIFE! She is working hard and working with her baby. She is on the journey with her baby-they are experiencing every single contraction together. Every time she feels a rush, her baby also feels a tightness around it's body as her body works to give birth. There is something magical about this relationship during the birth process. Birth is a drug.

It is.

When I was looking for a doula, I was really specific with God with what my requirements were. I needed a praying doula. I needed a doula who loved Jesus and knew that birth was much more than just pushing a baby out. It was a spiritual thing just as much as it was a physical thing. I was blessed to be led to a church (with many like minded woman who are passionate about birth) and was blessed to be invited to photograph & pray during Carrington's birth. Her birth changed the idea of natural birth for me in a big way. My fear was replaced with excitement and eagerness to experience it myself.

After she had her baby and was snuggled in with her new family upstairs in bed, I was chatting with her doula as they were cleaning and working and I said, "You seriously have the best job in the world!" She replied, "I know." Having a praying friend who acted as my doula during my labor saved me. It seriously SAVED me from letting my mind say, "I'm done! Take me to the hospital and numb me up! I can't do it!" It saved me from having thoughts that something horrible was going to happen, or that the people surrounding me were not equipped to handle any situation during my birth. She was incredible. To say "thank you" to my midwife or Carrington seems like it's not sufficient. In return for what they've done for me, I hope to repay them by doing the same for other woman.

So that is my prayer, my desire, my longing, to be a praying-Jesus loving-birth junky-doula. I want to minister to other woman and show them that they're a lot stronger than they ever imagined they could be! I want to be that beacon of strength for another woman like Carrington was for me during my birth.

He is telling me, urging me, responding to my longings with affirmation after affirmation to keep dreaming and pursuing what life would look like If I became a doula/birth educator. He is telling me to ask BIG of him. He's not done with this passion that he's given me for birth. He is telling me that birth is much more than just pushing a baby out! It is a spiritual thing, a holy thing. After lots of prayer and counsel from friends, I will be starting this journey to become a doula this March. Eeeeekkkk!!!!! I'm scared & excited but feels so right. It feels right to put those words out there and own them. This is going to be a great journey.

His hand is not too short.
His ear is not deaf to my voice.
He said to ask big of him.
I'm asking big.

{Can you believe Elliotte Rosalee is 5 months already?}

What an old lady!

She is a midwife in Africa

& I am completely addicted to her blog.

Check it out!

Emery's Natural {Hospital Birth}:

2012-01-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

I am VERY excited to share Emery's birth story of her 3rd gorgeous little man, Truman. I have been following her blog for 3 years now and It has been an incredible blessing to be ministered to by such an amazing woman of God every time I read her blog. If you don't follow her blog, you must! She is hilarious, her words are thought provoking, honest & raw. She loves Jesus and shares so openly about raising kids & lessons learned about marriage. Also, she is seriously the thrift store queen! She's such a little fashionista who always inspires me to think outside the box when it comes to putting outfits together! While I was pregnant with Conrad, I read Emery's birth story and knew that I wanted to attempt a natural birth. So, thank you, sweet friend, for helping birth this passion for birth in my heart!

Save her blog to your favorites! You'll be glad you did.

Wednesday AM, I woke up and felt pretty normal. Except for the fact that I seemed to be... um... PEEING MYSELF every few minutes. haha. It wasn't a whole lot, but every once in a while there would be "a small outpouring", if you will.

I went back and forth in my head about whether to mention this oddity to my husband. I envisioned the conversation going something like this:

Me: "Hi honey! Um, not much to report today, except that I maybe might be peeing my pants!"

Him: *UTTER SILENCE AND MORTIFICATION*

So, I decided to wait it out and see if the situation would remedy itself on its own.

I went to Barnes & Noble with Myer and chatted with some moms who were there with their kids and had a great time. I continued to debate whether I should mention my possible peeing plight to Chris, and finally called him on my way home and filled him in.

He told me to call my midwife, like a smart human being would.

Around noon, I called the office (and ended up talking to my friend Christi, who is a nurse there!) and she told me to come in due to the fact that I tested positive for Group B Strep. They wanted to check if it was amniotic fluid.

Chris left work to come be with Myer at the house so I could drive myself down to the midwive's office and get checked out. I kept telling him it was assuredly NOTHING and that I would be right back.

At 2:00 in the afternoon, I saw a midwife. I told her I was pretty sure my bladder had just kicked the bucket after all this baby-growing business. She checked me and swabbed me and immediately told me that it was amniotic fluid and I needed to go ahead and check in to the hospital next door and get ready to have my baby.

I was in COMPLETE shock. I think I said something eloquent like, "Wait, you said whaaaaa?!?"

Then things got hectic.

I had to go check-in at the hospital, but I had accidentally brought the keys to the car with me to the office (I had driven Chris' truck) so now Chris had no way to drive down to meet me. I would have to drive back home, even in my shaky, leaky state.

I envisioned what I would say if I got pulled over. Something along the lines of "Hi, officer! You may not believe me when I tell you this, but I'm apparently in labor!" Maybe he'd escort me, like in the movies, with his sirens blaring, and we could show up to the hospital in style.

No such luck.

Chris called his mom and asked her to pick up Ezra from school and then he ran Myer over to our neighbor's house until his mom could get back to our house and pick Myer up too. I got back home and Chris and I threw some last minute things in the car and drove back down to the hospital.

No contractions yet. Just waves of disbelief. With both of my previous labors, I had showed up to the hospital in pain and it was all a blur. This time, I was laughing and chatting with nurses and filling out paperwork and feeling silly for sitting in a hospital bed while I wasn't even in LABOR. It was such a different experience!!

By the time I got all checked in, it was probably 3:30 in the afternoon. I needed to get my antibiotic drip started (for the Group B Strep) and that took a good 5 hours when all was said and done, because they give you two rounds of it 4 hours apart.

This was a bit stressful because if my body didn't kick into gear before 9:00pm, they would have to start a pitocin drip. Once your water breaks (or starts leaking, apparently), they don't like to go more than 12 hours before they step in to get things going because of the risk of Group B Strep infection for your baby. I was trying not to be too anxious about all of this, and just kept praying that God would keep my mind focused on Him and His perfect timing.

During that time, my dear friend and neighbor and previous Bradley Instructor, Nikki, came to the hospital to be with us to help out during the delivery. Contractions were slight and irregular at this point. I was only 2cm dilated. I was trying everything I could to get my contractions going.

pitocin. I only had until 9:00pm before they were going to intervene.

The last antibiotic drip was done just before 9:00pm.

My midwife, Leanna, showed up then too to check me and see if my body had been progressing on its own at all.

She checked me and told me I was 4cm dilated.

I was disappointed in the lack of progress, but she said it was enough and that she was going to just let my body keep doing what it was doing- no pitocin necessary.

Hallelujah!

Right after that, my contractions started coming much stronger and much more regularly. They were still all very manageable though, and I was able to keep talking to Chris and Nikki and we were laughing and eating Snickers bars and snapping lots of iPhone pictures in true nerd fashion.

I walked around and sat on a birthing ball and squatted through the pain of the contractions.

Around 11:00pm, I had 3 or 4 suddenly INTENSE contractions, to where I was moaning and having trouble breathing calmly, and the contractions were lasting for 2 minutes at a time. Yikes. Leanna decided she needed to check me again.

She took one look and asked if I was ready to have my baby. It was all happening so rapidly, so quickly... I could barely move or breathe or grasp what was going on.

After another incredibly intense contraction, I felt a burning sensation, and suddenly the nurses and Leanna and Chris were all telling me that THE BABY'S HEAD WAS OUT.

I hadn't even pushed, and my baby's head was out?!?! My body had done all the work for me... had ejected this baby without so much as a conscious effort on my part.

I didn't believe them at first, but after one more contraction, my new baby was laying on my belly, hardly making a sound and looking right up into my eyes. He was so... peaceful! He didn't even cry. He was the perfect pink color and he was gazing up at me like he'd known me all his life. :)

We all exploded with joy and I was filled with such relief that the hard part was OVER. It took me a few seconds to realize that I didn't know if this baby was a girl or a boy, and after a moment I remembered to ask Chris what it was.

"It's another boy!", he beamed.

And just like I thought it would be, in that moment of elation and new life and release, that bit of information was like music to my ears. It felt right and good and awesome, and my heart was completely filled with love for my new SON. He was finally in my arms, and he was the most beautiful little newborn I had ever seen.

Truman Arthur.
{If he had been a girl, he would have been Dagny Jane.}

It was 11:15pm. Two hours after my contractions had really kicked into gear. Truman & I stared at each other in wonder for a few minutes until I brought him up higher into my arms and he latched on and started nursing right away like a champ.

******************************

Once again, this birth has made me feel stronger and more confident and more empowered than I could have ever imagined. I went into this labor with a lot of trepidation. I didn't feel as prepared or excited about natural childbirth as I had been before I had Myer. Part of me felt like I had done the "natural thing" twice already, and maybe this time around I should just get numbed up and drugged up and get it over with as painlessly as possible. I had NO motivation. I had tried to watch labor videos and read natural birthing stories to psych myself up again, but I mostly just felt... tired. Weary. Unexcited about the coming birth. And I felt horrible about that.

And yet, I did it!!

I had amazing support set up around me at the hospital, I had educated myself about the truth and benefits of natural birth, about my choices and my voice in the matter, and then I let my body do just what it was created to do. Looking back now, of course, I am SO glad that I allowed myself to feel the pain and intensity of the process of labor again. There is no other experience in life that has made me feel more alive, more certain of who I am and what I can do and accomplish in this life that I've been given. There has been no other experience that has propelled me as strongly to acknowledge God's holiness and sovereignty in this world and in my very own body. It is simply awe-inspiring, and I am grateful that I was able to have that adventure with Him again- grateful to be brought to a place of such pain and weakness only be carried safely through it, and be strengthened down to my core by it all over again.

What a fearfully wonderful thing!!

Thank you God for little Truman! He's as sweet as a lollipop, and worth every moment of labor! :)

Read her second son, Myer's birth story {here}

It too is one of my favorite birth stories.

So This Is Christmas + Give-a-way Winner Announced!

2012-01-01T13:36:00.000-08:00

First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR! The anticipation of what the new year holds, the blessings, the lessons, the memories yet to be made, makes my heart happy to imagine. God has been so good to us this year.

Dustin had 10 days off for Christmas vacation which was SO terribly needed, for BOTH of us! We'd been looking forward to this break for a very long time. It was so nice to have him here with us to play all day and do fun things as a family. Yesterday morning, one of my favorite movies to watch as a kid was on. Clueless. I think Clueless is where my love for all things Paul Rudd started. My sisters & I knew every single line from that movie, and apparently SO does Dustin. I was shocked when he started reciting it. He said the only reason he knew every line was because he didn't have any friends growing up and watched a lot of T.V. Clueless was always on, he says. But I say, As IF. I know he had friends, but if watching Paul Rudd taught him anything about being super cute and sensitive to woman, than I'm totally ok with him having no friends.

Before the vacation, I spent about a week or so trying to get Elle on a solid schedule but having Dad home kind of threw it off a bit. I feel like my children are robots or something and here's why. They are seriously such sleep soldiers. It makes life very un-spontaneous. Elle is the happiest little buttery biscuit if i wake her at 6, put her down at 8, wake her at 1030, put her back down at 1, up at 330 and then she's up until bed at 7 and sleeps the whole night through. If I deviate from that schedule (if i decide to sleep in and not wake her) her whole world falls apart. Conrad was the exact same way when he was a baby (and still is). It's like their happiness hinges on whether they sleep or not. It's been good though having her on a solid routine because once I lay her down for her morning nap, I wake Conrad up and we spend the morning doing pre-school stuff, which has been good for both of us to have that quality time together.

This Christmas was one of the most exciting Christmas's we've had together. This was the first Christmas that Conrad knew what was going on and it was so much fun to wake him up and bring him into the living room to pull the sheet off of his big boy bike Christmas morning. We tried to give him only 4 gifts. Something he can wear, something he needs, something he wants and something he can read & it turned out to be a great tradition to start. I also wanted to make sure all of the gifts weren't set out until Christmas morning. I feel like it makes it more fun to not see the gifts wrapped ahead of time. Last year, we started a tradition of opening all of our gifts to each other on Christmas Eve after the kids were in bed so that we could really enjoy reading our cards and taking our time with it. I will look forward to this tradition every year.

A few high lights from our Christmas:

1. Carousel rides. 2. Lion dress up.

3. Story time with Dad. 4. Sibling snuggle fest!

5. Green pancakes with Dad, not from a box.

6. Sofie Giraffe. 7. First bikes.

8. Cooking with Papa Jim.

9. Christmas morning with Ama Cindi & Papa Jim.

10. Gingerbread sister face.

11. Elle trying out Mommy's new quilt.

12. Lazy mornings.

***The beautiful & talented {Arielle} from a beautiful journey won

the bow give a way!

Kristi's {Natural} Hospital Birth:

2011-12-28T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've come to know this sweet lady over the last few months and I know you will be enlightened by her birth story. After reading her story, I felt a sense of empowerment after seeing how she was able to stand up for her rights and opt out of procedures that she felt were not necessary during her labor. She stuck to her guns and convictions. (If only I had known her when I was preparing for my first labor!). I'm glad she was able to have a pleasant hospital experience even when things didn't necessarily go as she had planned with her Dr. not being able to be at her birth etc. She has taught me SO much about motherhood and I often depend on her advice and friendship! She has been a great mentor to me! (3 of her 5 beautiful kiddos have since been born at home.)

Kristi's Story:

This is the story of my second-born child, my first son, and my first natural birth. I did not choose natural because I "want a trophy" or any other similarly silly reason. I chose it because I believe in it. I believe it's possible and beneficial for most women, not all. I believe it is a personal choice, and would not look down on someone for their choice. Choosing natural childbirth has changed the woman I am. It has deepened my faith in God and in myself. I have learned new things from each of my births. This birth taught me that I am strong, even when I don't think I am, even when others don't think I am, even when others think I may be crazy. Each of my natural births connected my husband and me more than my epidural birth. I don't believe natural birth is the only way to accomplish those things, but I know from experience that it has been a great tool in helping me accomplish those things in my life and in my marriage.

On Dec 26, 2005, Scott had the day off and I decided that I wanted to get all the Christmas decorations down so that they would be done before baby boy made his arrival. Who knew that would start a yearly tradition? After the decorations came down, I realized I hadn’t felt C move much in the past hour or so. I laid down and drank some orange juice to try to wake him up. He didn’t really wake, so I called my doula, Sherry Asp, and asked her opinion. She said to head into Reno and check his vitals. I started counting my contractions on the way to Reno, they were about a minute long and 10 min apart. He was moving a little now, but it was about 6pm, and there was a possible snowstorm that night, so we thought we would go ahead and get into Reno before the temperature dropped too much. At the time, we lived in Fernley, NV which required a drive through the mountains in order to get to a hospital. So, we called the Webbs, who were watching R for us, and they met us at a McDonald’s in Reno to take her. We grabbed some food for us too.

We checked into the hospital, C was doing fine, and I was dilated to 6cm. We were admitted, and we called the doula to meet us there. I informed the nurse of my birth plan - no drugs, intermittent monitoring (15min/hr), a hep-lock instead of IV, leaving the cord attached until after the placenta was delivered, and immediate nursing for the baby. She did the heplock and left. I knew my doctor was on vacation, he had warned me, so I knew it would be luck-of-the-draw. I also declined the hospital gown. I hated trying to keep that stupid thing closed with my first birth, and there was no need for it here. After about 20 minutes, the nurse returned to say that the doc on call really wanted me on monitoring the whole time. I politely declined. I also began to sneak chicken nuggets whenever we were alone in the room. While eating at one point, the doc came in. I thought for sure I was in for a lecture. He didn’t say a word. I explained to him that I wanted to be able to move freely, and that I discussed this with my doc (he was a supervisor at the hospital, so I thought a little name-dropping couldn’t hurt). He said he didn’t mind at all, that he hadn’t told the nurse I had to stay on the monitor at all. Hmmmmm. Someone lied. I still don’t know who. After about an hour, the nurse said it would just be easier to go ahead and hook me up to an IV now just in case something went wrong. I had hemorrhaged with R’s birth, so I had already consented to pitocin after the birth. I asked, “Since I have the heplock, isn’t the time difference less than 5 seconds? I’d rather not. I want to be able to move around.” She tried to convince me that I could still move around, I would just have to wheel the IV cart around. Yeah, thanks, but no. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. We watched Jay Leno, laughed and goofed off. If I had been at home, I would have been sleeping, but I was too excited. I did nap off and on. She seemed willing to experience it right along with us. She also told me that I should just do a shot of pitocin in my leg instead of putting it in the IV. We did decide to leave the heplock in, just in case, since it was already there, even though it was uncomfortable. (We never needed it.)

At about 5am, the doctor came in and said he wanted to check my progress. I was dilated to 9 cm, he told me. He then asked the nurse for a hook. She handed it to him. Immediately, red flags went up in my mind. “A hook? That can’t mean what I think it does? [to break my water] Surely he would ask first...” Very quickly, he had the hook package opened and in hand. I asked, “Wait... what are you doing?” He responded, very matter-of-factly, “I am going to break your water.” My head was saying, “Oh, really? You’re going to break something of mine, without asking me first? Nice try.” I managed to politely say, “I would like to discuss that with my husband first.” He looked astounded that I would dare even consider not going along with his will. He stood from the bed, stormed to the door, ripped off his glove, threw it in the trash, turned around and said, “You’re not at a 9 anyway, you’re only at a 6,” and left. Well, thank you, I didn’t realize they allowed two-year-olds to become doctors. I quickly realized his shift was over in 2 hrs, and he just wanted a paycheck for delivering my baby. I looked at my belly and told little man to just hang in there till after 7, because I didn’t want that doctor anywhere near us again.

Baby boy complied.

When the doctors changed shifts, the new woman came in, and was very nice. She was supportive of my birth plan, and checked on us every few hours, but largely left us alone, achieving a really good balance. We walked around the hospital a few times and basically just hung out, trying nipple stim and taking cohosh tincture. One time when the doc came in, at about 1pm, she explained that C was head down, and very low and said she would break my water if I wanted to. At this point, maybe I should have waited, but I was anxious to meet him, and had been in the hospital for about 18 hrs. So I consented, and she broke my water.

Until that point, I had barely felt my contractions, but once the water was broken, they came fast and furious. I found relief changing positions, particularly on all fours. Sherry would gently tap twice on any muscle that I was tensing, something we had practiced. That was a reminder to me to relax that muscle. It was very effective, because it was something we had worked out before. I didn't feel like she was telling me what to do, but rather, using a gentle reminder to tell me something I wanted to do. The fact that it was non-verbal was nice for me also. I got in and out of the shower, each contraction getting stronger. I felt like I was in the movies, groaning and yelling. Sherry used counter pressure on my lower back, and Scott was very encouraging throughout. Without those two things, I don’t know if I could have made it through. During one contraction, with Sherry doing counter pressure, I thought, "If she did nothing else, this woman is worth every penny." I considered the epidural, but I ran through the reasons I had decided not to use it in my head, and knew that I wanted to stick as closely to my birth plan as possible.

I told Sherry that I thought I needed to poop, and asked if it was normal. She said that it was fine and helped me to the toilet. It was there that I realized I didn’t need to poop, I needed to push! I decided then and there that I was comfortable on the toilet and would birth there. haha! Sherry got to where we were eye-to-eye and firmly but nicely said, "Kristi, you can NOT have this baby on the toilet." I trusted her and knew she would not have had that tone of voice with me if it weren't a good reason, so I got off and moved towards the bed. She later told me she has caught babies that way, but you run the risk of them hitting their head on the porcelain, and they go from warm womb to cold water. I had not thought of either of those things!

I got back in in the bed, again on all fours. We called the nurse, who, of course, had to check my dilation. She complained to Sherry that she hated checking dilation while I was in that position (hands and knees) because it was hard for her. I said, “Fine, I I’ll roll over.” I was a little annoyed, because, really, I am the one who should be comfortable, not her, but I didn’t want to be a diva. I rolled over, she announced I was at 10cm and fully effaced. By this point, the urge to push was undeniable and unable to be ignored. They called the doctor, but the one on call was in her office across the campus. So they called the perinatologist, whose office was in the hospital itself. I remember the nurses coming in and telling me I couldn’t push yet because the doctor wasn’t there. I said he better hurry up, or I was doing it without him. I looked at Sherry, and said, “I’m fine with you catching this baby!” She was training to be a midwife at that time (she is a midwife now). They told me I could turn back over if I wanted to, but I did not feel like I could move. They also asked if I wanted to feel his head, but I was holding myself up with my hands, because putting my hips down on the bed caused too much pressure. I said, “I would really like to, but I can’t.” I’m still amazed at my ability to form such polite sentences at the time (especially considering I yelled at my midwife with L’s birth, 2 years later when I birthed at home. Maybe I was just more comfortable with my surroundings and freedom to express myself with L, or maybe I became less concerned with what other people think of me).

The perinatologist came in and introduced himself, Dr. Globe, I think. For some reason, I said, “I hope we don’t make a mess on your nice shirt!” I guess I really liked his shirt. It probably had something to do with the fact that all the other doctors had been in scrubs, and he was dressed very nicely. He told me that was not a problem, and put a gown and gloves on. Because I had waited so long, once he got into position, I pushed very hard, and C was out in about 2 pushes. Sadly, the doctor cut the cord immediately. I tried to say something, but he was very fast. I knew he did not have time to review my birth plan, so I wasn’t upset, but I was disappointed.

They set him up on my chest, and I said, “Hi, little guy!”

Of course, it was love at first sight. He began nursing like a champ right away. The doctor told me several times that he was not pulling on the cord, but that the placenta was coming on its own. I thought that was kindof cute, and I really appreciated it, considering the doc had pulled my placenta to get it out with R, and that is almost certainly the cause of the hemorrhage. They called the time of birth at 3:00 pm, about 2 hours after my water was broken.

They took C and put him under the bili lights while the doctor started to stitch me up; I tore because I pushed so quickly. I know I asked him about 12 times if he was going to use a local anesthetic. Childbirth without drugs serves a good purpose, stitches without them is silly! He laughed and asked if I wanted them. I was very enthusiastic when I said yes. I whined that I wanted my baby back, and the nurses said they were trying to get him warm. I told them that I was plenty warm enough to warm him and he wanted to nurse again. They gave him back to me, and he nursed again. I did have to trade back and forth with him on the bili lights to make the nurses happy though.

When they moved me to a new room, I told the nurse I had to go to the bathroom, and she insisted on helping me to the bathroom. She was surprised at how easily mobile I was, which I found somewhat amusing. It’s amazing what you can do when you can move your own legs! (With my first hospital birth, after my epidural, I couldn’t move anything below my ribs until about 10am the next day, she was born at 12:37am; it was awful.) After the bathroom, I asked her to help me with my sweatpants, I had refused to wear the hospital gown the whole time. She joked about me liking to be covered in my own clothes. I said yes, I was just more comfortable that way. She took me to my new room, and we ate dinner - it was actually very good! Scott went with the nurse to give C his first bath, and when he brought him back, he was snugly wrapped in a blanket inside a stocking! I wish I had that picture to show you, but it's trapped on a dead laptop, still in my garage, hopefully awaiting a resurrection.

***Don't forget to enter {Elle's 1st Give-a-way} if you haven't already!

Elle's 1st Pedicure & A Girly Give-A-Way!

2011-12-23T13:45:00.000-08:00

Elle & I were kicked out of the house today (so Daddy could wrap gifts) and told to go get pedicures!

Who would argue with that?! I dressed her up in her new felt bow and we were on our way. At the salon, they were serving egg rolls, wine, olives, prosciutto, veggies & other yummy finger foods for snacking. David, the gentlemen painting our toes looked like the very handsome Asian version of Edward Cullen. Elle was so enamored by him, she wouldn't stop staring. (He even commented on her staring. Not kidding.) I wanted to take a picture of him to show you guys his stark resemblance to my vampire boyfriend, Edward, but yeah, that's creepy.... We both got our piggies painted in festive Christmas colors.

{I love Mommy-Daughter dates!}

Elle wanted to give a way a bow of your choice from A Pinch Of Peach.
Visit A Pinch Of Peach Etsy Shop & leave a comment below.

Mention this give-a-way on Face Book for a 2nd comment!

For a 3rd comment, tell me what you love most about Christmas!

{We love these bows so much, we also ordered Coral & Cream & Good Day Sunshine}

AND I ordered the California bow for myself.....

*Winner chosen by random Jan 1st.

Sabrina's Hospital Water Birth:

2011-12-20T03:00:00.000-08:00

It's that time again! Birth story time!

I will be showcasing several birth stories in the next few weeks. Every story is different and unique. Some stories are hospital births, some home births & some birth center births, but all are equally inspiring and empowering. I have many pregnant friends (& non-pregnant friends too....) who I know will be encouraged after reading these. Like I've said in the past, these stories need to be told to break the fear from the hearts of woman & give us confidence that we too can birth on our terms-fully informed & supported.

Let me introduce you to Sabrina:

Matt and I had decided that when we got married, we wanted to try to have a baby right away. We were both anxious and excited to get our family started that it didn’t make sense to wait. After 9 months of trying to get pregnant, on August 8, 2010 we had a wonderful surprise…the pregnancy test said “yes”!

For the most part, the pregnancy was enjoyable. Morning sickness kicked in around 7 weeks and since we didn’t want to tell anyone, including our family, until the first trimester was over, I ended up having to hide the ginger gum I ate & the SeaBands I wore. Thankfully the morning sickness (well, evening sickness in my case) disappeared right on schedule once the first trimester ended.

The second trimester was by far the most wonderful time of the pregnancy. Sure, every book you read tells you that the second trimester is the “golden trimester” because the morning sickness is gone and you are still small enough to get around comfortably. But for me, the second trimester was all about confidence – I learned about Hypnobirthing, I decided to deliver my baby without an epidural, and I was completely confident in my ability to be a wonderful mother. I could not wait for our little man to join us!

The majority of the third trimester was just as pleasant as the second. It wasn’t until about 36 weeks where I just started getting tired….all of the time! It was in these last few weeks of the pregnancy where I perfected my waddle, and people sure loved to comment about it. Even though I resisted it, I was put on bed rest and it turned out to be the best decision that was made. I started to get some more sleep and was better prepared to labor & delivery.

On Wednesday night, April 6, 2011, I started getting “real” contractions. Not too strong at first (thankfully, I was able to practice my Hypnobirthing breathing techniques). The contractions were 8-10 minutes apart and lasted for about 4 hours then stopped! I was so bummed! I contacted my doula, Marcie, on Thursday to let her know that contractions had started and stopped, but I thought it was going to be soon. Contractions started up again Thursday night and lasted 8 hours this time, but then stopped again! Same thing happened on Friday night. This meant I did not get a lot of sleep these days.

On Saturday, April 9^th, I met with Marcie to go over my plan. I was getting so tired at this point, I wasn’t sure if I could last much longer. When contractions started up again on Saturday night, they felt a little different, a little more real. This time, the contractions didn’t stop! Marcie came over to our house Sunday morning to gauge where I was at. I quickly progressed from “early labor” to “active labor” Sunday morning, and it because clear we needed to go to the hospital. Even though my intention all along was to do a natural birth, I briefly thought about having an epidural. With no sleep for 4 days, I just wasn’t sure how I was supposed to push a baby out of my body! But Marcie and Matt were both very encouraging, and reminded me about my birth plan. If I could make it 4 days in labor then I definitely could make it a few more hours without any pain medication! They were right, and I am so happy I listened!

When we got to the hospital around 10am on Sunday, I was measuring at 5cm. My water broke as I was changing into a hospital gown, all over the floor in triage! Unfortunately, the charge nurse who was admitting me slipped on the amniotic fluid and fell on my bed right on me! On the upside, contractions were now 3 minutes apart and strong so I barely noticed! Right before moving me to my L&D room, the nurse checked me again (about 20 minutes after the first exam) and I was already at 8cm. They realized I quickly needed to get to the delivery room. Once in the delivery room, I was checked again and I was already at 9cm! My delivery nurse, Kris, was amazing. She quickly got me into my water birthing tub (which was being set up during all of this by Jollina). By the time I was in the tub, I was 10cm and the delivery was upon us.

Dr. Harter, (who is often referred to as "Mr. Midwife" because of his passion for birth, his respect in allowing woman to birth on their terms, his low cesarean rate & baby friendly care), was on-call that day so was constantly in and out of my room checking on me. Even though I was 10cm around noon on Sunday, I still had several hours of pushing ahead of me. Unbeknownst to me at the time, our baby boy was stuck under my pelvis bone. Every time a contraction came, I pushed and pushed (turning purple frequently, which really concerned Matt) but he moved very little. After about 2 hours of pushing, the nurse had me stand up and try and reposition the baby. Let me tell you, standing up out of a comfortable tub of water to meet the reality of gravity once again was not what I wanted this far into the delivery! Matt & the nurse had to physically lift me up and out, and Matt had to help me walk around. The nurse told me to go to the bathroom because my bladder was full and was also blocking the baby from coming out, but I was so afraid that once I sat on the toilet the baby would just fall out. Oh how naive I was as a first time mom! I wasn’t able to empty my bladder (although I tried!) but the movement was enough to change the baby’s position. I got back in the tub and started pushing once again.

hAt this point, I was so worn out from lack of sleep and I was dehydrated even though I was constantly asking to drink water. Marcie was giving me sips of water to help keep me hydrated. don’t remember much of the pushing, but one thing is still very clear in my mind. The moment the baby’s head crowned was the most intense pain I have ever felt, and I had no idea that it was coming. In fact, once I started feeling the pain, I remember asking the nurse, “What the hell is that??”. She informed me it was the “ring of fire” and wouldn’t last long. I held my tongue, I didn’t want to use profanities, but I could hear Matt in my ear whisper, “Just say it!!” so out came several sentences laced with foul language! And yes, that made me feel better. Just as the nurse had assured, the ring of fire didn’t last long and the baby’s head was now out of my body (still in the water). One more push and the rest of his body came out!

Lucas was born on a beautiful Sunday afternoon at 3:39pm, a week prior to his due date.
He was born in a birthing tub, without pain medication.
He weighed 8 pounds, 8 ounces & was 20 ¾ inches long. He was born a very healthy, happy baby!

***If you would like to share your story in an effort to encourage other woman,
please email me at crobbins223@gmail.com

We Are A Package Deal.

2011-12-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

Elle Bell is old enough to stay with a sitter (besides Daddy) now. She has always been fine anytime I had a photo job to do this season. I've left her alone over 10 times now for 2-3 hours and there has never been a problem. So this past week, to celebrate the end of the semester, AND to celebrate our engagement 6 years ago, Dustin texted me to let me know that he had reserved a table at a restaurant that we had never been to, (Table 34). I was SO excited to get all dolled up for a night of good food and conversation without forks banging on the table or water spilling or scrambling through my bag looking for more things to entertain the kiddos while we waited for our food..... If you're a parent, you know by now how NOT WORTH IT going to dinner is with kids. If I'm paying for a hot meal and getting dressed up, I want to really savor it and relax, not deal with kiddlets. Ahem, anyway. So I start having cold feet about leaving her with anyone, (besides her daddy) and before I could even ask Dustin if we could take her instead of dropping her off with her brother at Grandma's house, he says, "Honey, you and Elle are a package deal. I want to take my girls on a date! Put her in a cute dress and lets go!" My heart melted. (Cute dress from Bailey Levites. The picture does it no justice.) Our date was fun for a few minutes until Elle got super fussy. I tried to nurse her but wasn't wearing a very nursing friendly shirt..... I tried to walk her around the front of the restaurant but it was a little difficult wearing my high heel booties.... So we got the last bit of our meal to go and picked up Conrad..... It doesn't matter that our date didn't go totally as planned because I got to see my hubby with his hair done, cologne on & a tie. It was worth it, just for that. Sometimes During dinner when the kids go to bed, we sit at the table and eat, without speaking a word. Does anyone else do this? It's like, I'm SO thankful to eat in peace and eat my food slowly!

Going on dates just the 3 of us has been one of my favorite things to do since Elle has been born. Before too long, she'll be jumping out of my arms to crawl and explore the world around her, sleeping during movie dates won't be an option in a few short months. (then I'll just have to have ANOTHER baby! Kidding Dustin. Sort of....)

The sweet lady behind Dustin made a point of stopping at our table on her way out to

tell us that hearing a little baby during dinner (even a fussy baby) made her smile.

On an unrelated note, we've been doing a ton of baking lately (diet starts tomorrow)... last night while waiting for hot gooey chocolate chip cookies, we both sat on the ground in the kitchen against the cabinets, cradling a big mixing bowl of cookie dough taking turns scooping out spoonfuls and reminiscing over the year we've had. And, what a wonderful year it's been! Hard to believe that this year is coming to an end. Hard to believe that Christmas is this week (and I've still got shopping to do.)

Hope you have a joyful week.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

2011-12-14T00:40:00.000-08:00

What makes me terribly happy this time of year:

The smell of pine.

The sentiment of our bride & groom Christmas ornament from our first year of marriage.

Elvis's Christmas album.

Dustin's short bread cookies.
My $4, silvery, old lady loafers from Payless.

Finding my favorite lipstick in the pocket of my favorite jacket that I haven't worn

since this time last year.

Trader Joe's chocolate covered Joe-Joe cookies.

Sneaking around buying surprises!

Candles.

Elle wearing her brother's old Christmas Pj's.

Sleeping with our window open.

Letting our 2.5 year old pick out his first Christmas tree all by himself.

Imagining Mary in labor with the Jesus, giving birth to the baby that would save me from death.

Getting cards & packages in the mail.

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

Being amused by Conrad's fear of Santa.... AND robotic, fake reindeer.

{Be Merry.}

"I Will Bring Her Into The Wilderness & Speak Tenderly To Her."

2011-12-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

{An Elle sandwich}

When I was preparing to meet my darling Elle, I feel like I had never heard the lord speak so clearly to my heart than ever before in my entire life as a christian. Those months were so precious to me. I ate up every word he spoke and depended on the utterances of the Holy spirit like I never had in my life. I heard his voice. It was raw. It was tender. It was almost "new" to me in a way. I have sweet memories of the summer sun shinning onto my very large belly as I soaked in the bath and read my books about childbirth. I would always open the curtains completely to get the fullness of what the sun had to offer. I loved the way the beads of water would run down my belly as I collected some water in my hand and let my hand hang limp over my belly and drop water over it, watching it trickle back down into the water. I loved watching the gigantic waves of water crash up over my skin as she hiccuped inside of me making tidal waves as I soaked in the water.... Those moments of solitude, just her and I were so dear to me. I was so ministered to by God during those times. All I can say was that he spoke and his voice was undeniable. I feel like I never quite had a "connection" so to speak, with my baby (not knowing her name or sex) it's like God planned for it to be like that. I was forced to get to know HIM better, to fall more in love with him, rather than with my baby. Maybe that's why the first time we met, I was so overcome with emotion?

Our nightly pillow talk about what the Lord was describing to me or what he was confirming to me about my birth with Elle was what gave Dustin the faith to believe God for what he had for us. Without that, Dustin wouldn't have had the faith to deliver our baby at home. When God spoke my ears perked up! He made my eyes pop open with revelation during prayer. I couldn't deny his power or his voice. I remember crying so hard during worship that my stomach would tremble-I shook in the midst of his presence. I feared Him. I feared him because I could sense his goodness, his might, his hunger for justice, his truth. I FEARED Him. I feared what he was capable of. I knew his promises were good. My "fear" was awe. I was in complete awe of Him throughout my pregnancy. I heard him whisper into my ear during those precious months. Sometimes his tone was a tone of frustration, almost angry at times (my moments of doubt). During conversations with friends, He would use them to confirm truth to me. All of this is to say, I had never felt so close or so sure of who He was or what I was capable of than when I was pregnant with Elle. She has changed me in a monumental way.

The first time I was alone with Him after she was born, I was taking a bath and Dustin told me to read Hosea ch 1 & 2 (Read it. It's good stuff.) You know when you read the bible and the words just JUMP off of the pages and slap you in the face or hug you in the best way possible or when the words are like salve on a open-gaping-throbbing wound? That's what those two chapters were to me all at once. I felt like He was rejoicing with me over my victory and he was drawing me into a private celebration but also he was romancing me and in a very "real" way, holding me in a sweet embrace over what HE did through Elle's delivery. Blah, blah, blah, I could go on and on and on about her birth and whatnot. But whatever, you get it. It was crazy-awesome-sauce and I want to have like ten more babies (but I wont.) But i want to..... (but I wont.)

In the last few weeks, I've been experiencing this sort of numbness, or depression, or fog, or defeat yatayata. It's sucked ballz. I sit in Elle's room with her at night feeding her before she goes down for the night and want to pray but can't. It's like my heart can't even conjure up words to speak. I just stare at the neon fish that are projected on the ceiling and listen to the fake "rain" sounds that her sound machine makes to drown out her brother playing in the living room. I want to feel something but can't lately. I'm not sad, I don't feel empty, I just feel strangely numb.

I asked a few of my more "natural-ish" moms what I can do to get the blues to go away and a few of their ideas made me laugh. Most of them said to exercise, take some supplements that I had been lacking, and most of them suggested sex! Ha! Another friend said to get me some Jesus in my soul! That seemed to be the simplest of them all to do but was my last choice. It's like, you can do all of those things, (supplements, sex, running) and they help, but if you don't go right to the source of what can truly fill you up than you'll never feel whole. None of that other methods will heal that fog/depression/numbness. They're like band aids. It's totally like me to want to grab for everything else before I grab what actually works. Jesus!

Someone told me once that when you don't have words to pray, don't. Just sit and listen. Ask for his presence to linger as you sit and wait. So that's what I've been doing. I've been recalling his goodness, his faithfulness, I've been thanking instead of asking. I've had quite the break through in the last week or so in rearguard's to my mood. I'm hungry for his voice to be as clear as it was when I was pregnant. So that's where I am. The fog is being lifted. God is good... all the time.

{Elle, distracted by the dim light in her room before her nightly meal.}

The {sweetest} Story Ever Told:

2011-12-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

If this video doesn't just totally brighten your day, then, shoot, you need a kick in the butt! These kids, in their awesome costumes, and their adorable accents made me smile and get a little misty eyed.

I will definitely be showing this video to Conrad! I love that the story is told in terms that a child would understand.

{blessings}

Baby Biscuit:

2011-12-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

{Those lips!} Gah!!!

The little baby biscuit (as her Dad calls her) loves her bumbo chair. We got it at a yard sale for a few bucks and LOVE it. Her favorite thing so far to do while sitting in her bumbo is taking showers in it. I feel like this chair is one of those necessary baby items that I seriously couldn't live without. It's especially funny when her butt gets stuck in it when I'm trying to get her out. Ha!

A few people have asking me what "Snowman poop" is. You basically just take a big marshmallow and dip it in melted butter and roll it in cinnamon and sugar and then wrap it in a crescent roll and then roll it again in cinnamon and sugar (real healthy snack right?) and then bake it. I just gave it a silly name just because it made Conrad laugh. It's been pretty cold out, and I haven't wanted to take the kids to the park much (plus, Conrad has a hate/hate relationship with wind. If it's windy at all, he flips out.) SO we've been spending time at home trying to do fun things that his little hands can enjoy, like making SNOWMAN POOP!

{Happy Monday!}

{The Craziest Little Owls That Ever Lived:}

2011-12-04T21:34:00.000-08:00

I didn't care if they were 15$. When I saw these owl jam-jams, I just HAD to have them. When Conrad was a baby bird-boy, I got these for him and ADORED how cute he looked in them (Can you believe Conrad was 6 months old in the linked pictures? What the what? That's what I SAID! Elle is like, such a fatty compared to him and she's only 4 months old!) One of my favoritest things in the whole wide world is seeing Elliotte in Conrad's old pj's/clothes. It zaps me right back to when her brother was a baby, it makes me feel nostalgic, sentimental & puts me back to how it felt to be a new mom with my first tiny-turd.

This month has only just begun but feels like it's going by SO quickly, I can barely keep up. I've been working a ton (fist bumping Jesus!) but man is it hard to keep the holidays in perspective. I want to be purposeful about keeping this holiday holy-as far as keeping it Jesus centered rather than indulging in the consumeristic aspect of what Christmas usually is. We've been focusing on our advent calendar each day, which has helped. We talk about what Christmas means to us in terms that a 2.5 year old (and a 4 month old HA!) can comprehend, by reading bible verses about Jesus' birth & doing a fun family activity every night. We went to see the lights at the Ethel M. chocolate factory one night, we made "snowman poop" rolls, we watched the Grinch together & made smores. We picked out green and red doggy bones at the pet store for our neighbors dogs & went to visit our neighbor one night to give Violet & Colby their treats. Being creative about how we can celebrate this sacred holiday without being totally stressed out & without making it all about the "I want this!" attitude has been fun.

{I've been a tad bit neglectful of this here little blog, mostly because I've been a busy momma

working hard at my other job. More posts coming soon!}

***What fun family traditions do you practice to celebrate the season?

{Thankful}

2011-11-24T12:42:00.000-08:00

{Elle in her turkey day outfit, the same one Conrad wore for his

first Thanksgiving Day when he was 8 months old}

This year we are the attending dinner, not preparing & hosting dinner! Yippee!

It's not that we don't love throwing Thanksgiving dinner, it's that after the last two years of hosting, AND especially after last years fiasco {HA!} We're excited to stroll on over to my brothers house, relax & spend time with family. I just might slip on my "eatin' pants" aka, pants with stretchy waist bands....aka, my extra sexy maternity pants.... don't hate.

I was reflecting yesterday on what I am most thankful for this year and many things came to mind.

Obviously, I'm thankful for these crazy turkey's, Conrad & Elliotte. I'm also thankful for my marriage, which has sharpened me, stretched me and challenged me in so many ways. I am thankful that Dustin works & goes to school {with minimal grumbling}. His hard work to help provide for us also helps me to persevere when the days are extra tough, I know they're tougher on him. I'm thankful that the Lord has grown us into something so much more than we were when we first got married. I am also so thankful to be a working-stay at home Mom. This job, although so difficult at times, is the joy of my life. Cleaning up poopy bottoms and giving time-outs isn't my favorite part of this job, but when they're grown I will miss when they were young {and squishy} and drove me crazy.

Above all of these blessings, I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus, from which all good things come {James 1:17}. Without his provision, grace & faithfulness, the job of being a wife and mom would be at times, all together hopeless.

So that's what I'm thankful for this year. Now we're off to go eat some turkey!

Hope your day is filled with gratitude, lots of calories & those who you love most.

{Dustin is preparing this & I am preparing this.}

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Peek-e-boo!

2011-11-23T13:48:00.000-08:00

I seeeee you!

This morning while getting ready for our day, the kiddlings shnuggled on the bed and as I was scurrying around putting lotion on my face, anti-stink in the pits, & hair in a bun so we could get on with our day, I heard Conrad playing peek-a-boo with Elle so i stopped what I was doing- to get in on what they were doing, BECAUSE CLEARLY, the bank and library can wait! Oh, how they pull on my heart strings.

Having an older brother who is so SO dear to me, who i respect and adore so much, makes me understand how important this relationship between these two is. I pray that the Lord cultivates a deep love between them- a love that blossoms into a rich friendship as they get older.

{I'll be writing about & interviewing my two amazing brothers next week and sharing about how they've dealt with going blind in their late 20's, and their uber-awesome-sauce outlooks on life. They're kind of a big deal.}

Happy Birthday today to my amazing grandma.

Love you Gran.

The {Little Lady} Is Getting SO big.

2011-11-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

{Her smiles make me terribly happy.}

Hand Eye Coordination

2011-11-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

Apple Jacks, dry pasta & Play Doh.

Fun way to learn sorting & patterns.

It's been challenging to think of more ways to keep an active toddler entertained/stimulated while caring for a squishy baby girl. Mothering both of these two kiddlets simultaneously has been the HARDEST thing in the world-but yet so rewarding. Last night, for example, had I not had extra help (Dotty) to hang out with us, help with bath time and story time, and then stay for dinner and have girl time with me while Dustin was traveling with work, life would have been much harder.

But back to the said toddler. I've been trying to come up with more activities to keep him busy & learning. If you have any great ideas, tips, or fun toddler craft websites send them my way!

The Orchards:

2011-11-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

We went to the Gilcrese Orchards with our dear friends Allie & Omar
this past weekend and had a fantastic time.
We ate deep fried apple cider doughnuts with Cinnamon cream cheese frosting.

They pretty much changed my life.

Omar shot the photos above, and I love them.

(I love that Conrad gave us lots of smiles, even if he had to be bribed with gummy bears!)

{What a blessing it was to spend our morning with these great friends.}

Elliotte's Nursery {Vlog} Reveal:

2011-11-09T18:08:00.000-08:00

I've been working on her room at a snails pace and after months and months, I am finally DONE! I was going to list where everything was purchased and what was spent on each item, but decided to walk you through Elliotte's room myself and explain all of the little touches to you. We spent almost nothing on her room. Mostly everything was gifted to us or was purchased inexpensively. (crib & changer were gifts from my mother in law.)

{What it looked like before it was Elle's nursery}

{Photograph taken of Elle & I by Mae}

Hope you enjoy.

I Can't Help But Smile....

2011-11-03T23:32:00.000-07:00

The vacuum we were given when we got married took it's final suck this week. Almost 6 years old.

I was stubborn and instead of getting a whole new sucker machine, I went to a vacuum repair store (cuz' I'm smart like that and thrifty and stuff....) Wellllll, IT'S DISCONTINUED! The lame brains at Hoover stopped making it a while back which really ticks me off because I hate the idea of having to buy a new appliance every few years and spending a chunk of money because it breaks. AND, it leads me to believe that there is a whole conspiracy when it comes to stuff that breaks. Like cars for instance. Right when Dustin's car was a week before being paid off, it took a crap! It's almost like they plan on your stuff breaking. It's annoying.

I went to the salon by my house to get a quick bang trim while my mother in law had Conrad and Elle was asleep in her car seat. (I had so many plans to do so many things with just ONE baby with me but only got like, two of the ten things I planned to get done.) The lady was sweet. She was telling me about her daughter who was about to give birth and how scared she is and then I started talking about how bad the cesarean rate is in Nevada and warning her against unnecessary induction etcetera etcetera .... and how we had our baby at home, to which she gasped in shock (You think I'm exaggerating? She gasped.) and cut my bangs all crooked and thicker on one side and short in the middle and straight across. It's a hot mess, these bangs of mine. I'm not that radical, really. More people have their babies at home than we think. I gave her her 7$, we exchanged our awkward smiles, & I got in the car and looked at my jacked up hair. The messed up hair is my fault. I should have shut the hell up about the topic if I wanted half way cute looking bangs...

ALSO, while we're on the topic of my crappy week, MY CAMERA is so broken, it's not even worth repairing, or so the old man at the repair shop said (AFTER ELLE PROJECTILE VOMITED all down my shirt) at the camera store, right after we left the salon! I'll have to contact the losers at Nikon and go from there OR upgrade. I've been putting it off for some time now, upgrading. I refuse to take out loans to buy better stuff, or spend moolah we don't have, and every good photographer that I respect (especially my father, who knows a thing or two.) sticks by the mantra that to be a great photographer doesn't always mean you need the best of the best, to be the best.... Look at Ansel Adams. It's not about the camera, it's about the eye behind it. BUT, it's time. It's time.

Instead of heading to the post office to return the cloth diapers that I purchased from Ebay that smelled like ammonia and urine, we headed home to shower and snuggle, because like I said, Elle threw up all down my shirt. I can't always do it all.

Today after an exhausting morning of playing my heart out with the kiddlets, after lunch time, story time, then nap time, after Elle bell Miguel (if she were Spanish) was nursed and sleepin', I got my magazines and hot coffee and opened the bathroom window to let the sun shine through, turned the faucet extra hot and sunk down deep into the water taking a healthy-well deserved breath, the chubby one began to yelp for momma... this is my life! So I dried off in a tizzy and ran to her, slipping and sliding down the hall way to my little magic butterfly of juicy fat roll-love. But as I soothed her back to sleep, I couldn't help but smile and giggle to myself. I'm so in love with her, it's embarrassing.

It's funny how even in the moments of trying to regain back a few minutes of the day for ME, they pull me back again to themselves. But It's a good feeling. Even in the chaos and missteps, I'd rather be here than any place else.

But it's not over... there's more! That was just Monday & Tuesday! THEN, while returning our books to the library today (Let me add that I blow dried my hair, covered up my pimples with concealer and put on my cute winter boots y'all....) Just as I am getting Conrad out of the car we get into an altercation. I gave him an order that he disobeyed and he started crying and screaming and being really unreasonable. Ugh, so i tell him that if he can't get control of himself, we would have to leave and not go get new books and "dbd"s, as he would call them. I get Elle out of her car seat and into her sling and pray to God that he stops screaming SO WE DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE because I put on concealer and my hair is clean! I kneel down and try my hardest to help him calm down, but to no avail HE screams in a pitch only Christina Aguilera could match. I told him that we would have to go right back home if he didn't stop throwing a fit. He kept on, so I had to follow through (which really lit a fire under my ass because I went through so much effort to look half way cute FOR THE FRIGGIN' LIBRARY people!) I forced him back into his car seat with all of my strength, dropped the books into the drop box, and put E in her seat. As we drove back home, his screaming scared her and she began screaming also, out of terror. It was not a good time.

When we came home, I put my hair up in a bun and got back into my comfy mom-iform of sweats and a shirt with easy access, he apologized by asking me to read him 101 Dalmatian's and snuggled up into my arm pit on the couch and life was good again.

Dustin took the dude over to his Dad's house so I could have a break when he came home from work. When they left, I cried for a few minutes. I was more exhausted than anything really. While I was bargaining with him and trying to make deals with him and give him choices and ultimatums in the library parking lot, I got THREE evil stares from the patrons. Three. I counted. I didn't even have it in me to fire back at any of them and defend myself. The whole situation was mortifying. People are so unmerciful. Couldn't any of them smiled at me or made a joke. Couldn't someone have brought me a lighter and ~~jokingly~~ said, "Here, I'll help you. Lets burn this mother down!" and helped me light the car on fire, minus the chubby one? She had nothing to do with it. God help her in a few years though when she starts to conspire against me.

Someone reminded me tonight to laugh at the drama in our lives instead of being defeated by them.

God is bigger than Conrad's strong will, broken camera equipment & my broke ass 6 year old sucker machine. He is enough. He is the place to go when the world decides to squat down and squeeze out a major steamer on my head. Good things are happening amongst the bad things. Great things actually. My friends baby girls heart is healed! (God is so good!) Healing, growth, repair, joy & grace.

And she is happening.

Elle Bell.

She is cooing and smiling.

She is sleeping through the night.

She is enthralled by her brother's goofiness.

She is pooping in the bath any chance she gets causing her brother major anxiety attacks.

(He's pretty stealthy at evacuating a crappy situation now though...)

She is batting at toys.

She will think your lips are food if you linger too long during a kiss.

It's half way adorable and half way mean because she thinks it's food.
I linger often and laugh to myself.

Nope, not a boob.
Just lips that can't stop kissing.

Chubbiest of chubbies:

{There are too many things to smile about.}

Don't Let The Face Pubes Define You:

2011-10-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

This week, much like most weeks was a jumble of 50+ work week along with 30+ school week for my poor, tired, sad-exhausted-striving to survive-Jesus help this exasperated man not become a zombie skeletor -asaurus of a man.... please Jesus, keep his hair intact (did i just say that? Hair starts to thin, I'm told, when a man begins to stress too much) Ahem, please help him not totally lose his mind while trying to hold it all together....A girl can pray though right? We can pray for full heads of hair!) I digress. So here we are, knee deep into the half way mark of this semester and 14 months of school (please someone shoot me) ahead of us until his masters degree will be complete! Hallelujah!

Last week the manager of a project that he was working on told him that because of "safety protocol" he needed to cut his ~~extra sexy~~ beard because if they needed to use an oxygen mask, the mask wouldn't properly suction to his face, certainly, death would come knocking on his door... the fact of the mater is that no matter what, his safety is numero ono, but srsly, he was at the mine for like two full hours-so he's gunna cut almost TWO years worth of perfectly manicured, sexalicious man-face candyness? Like, Um, who did they think they were messing with. I was bout's to call that mo' fo up and let him know whose boss. Luckily for his sake, I spared him the humiliation & embarrassment he would have felt after knowing who my hot husband was. (GQ husband of the year). What'evs.

The point is people, THE BEARD DOESN'T DEFINE YOU! We cut it off. We cut it off and the whole while, I was in the back ground doin' the "Z" snap talking all sorts of crap about how the haters can't hold us down...Shoot....

I got all ghetto about it.

I did.

But for-real'z.

Cutting that beard off hurt.

Not in a physical way, but in an ego way.

In the moment we were all flippin' off "the man" and telling the guy's upstairs to suck our bung holes, but then when all of the nasty chin pubes were all swept up and dumped into their respective toilet bowls, we were sad.

Sad like when a mom realizes that her honeymoon stomach is a distant memory (even if she gets back to pre prego weight, that tight ass stomach ain't what it used to be honey bear. It just ain't. Lets be real. You can't quite bounce a quarter off of those abs like you once did.... Jillian Michael's can't even help that flabby skin. Yeah, I went there.)

Before it was all gone, he shaved it into a Hulk Kogan stash. He joked that he'd show up at work looking like the Hulkster but decided to be a gentleman about it all. I dared him to. He was much more polite about the whole situation than I might have been. He's the sweet, I'm the sour. I would have put up a fight. That's my down fall. I would have gotten fired over it like a damn idiot. Anyway.

As we snuggled in bed that night and I stroked his smooth baby like cheek for the first time in a very long time, I realized how different he looked to me. Not different bad, but different-weird. You know? His shiny cheeks were cute though. The man could wear a paper bag with eye holes (and a big mouth hole so we could make out,) and he'd STILL look hot. His bare face made him realized how different he felt. He said he felt like he was twelve years old, but not in a good way. He felt insecure. He didn't feel like himself. He didnt' feel like a grown up. His manhood, in some form, had been stripped away.

If you've ever not felt like yourself, especially ESPECIALLY after shooting a baby out of your cooka, raise your hand! I can completely understand where he's coming from here.

It's like when you get a bad hair cut or your first Brazilian. You think it's going to be super cute, but you end up feeling weird about it. You introduce yourself to Sheila, the cute, young girl who smiles like everything is normal and fun until you lay back and spread your shaky legs, feel that hot wax, and in that moment, you're completely vulnerable. The fate of your lady parts are in Sheila's hands. You scream and curse profanities when Sheila rips that hair off. And this is what guy's are into?! Everything looks red and all wrinkled and bald and not cute but it's supposed to be cute so you feel confused about it... then a few days later you're all itchy and uncomfortable and wonder why people pay 80$ for what you just paid 80$ for!? Yeah, it's like that.

So back to the face pubes.

Back to the after baby flab.

IT DOESN'T DEFINE YOU. Or me. Or he.

We put so much weight on the outward things-making them so important and yet the inward parts of us, are left neglected because we've made the outward more important than the inward.... If I spent as much time asking the Lord to change me and teach me as I do figuring out what outfit to wear so that another woman (don't lie ladies. We dress for each other, not for guys!) would complement me and say I looked cute, I'd be in a much happier place.

We spent the last week or so talking about who God says we are in light of what the world says makes us beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, successful etc. My confidence does not hinge on whether I do or do not have 15ish pounds to lose or whether this person thinks I'm a good mother/photographer/friend. My confidence comes from Jesus. It comes from spending time with him. Allowing him to mold my character, build my self esteem and make me feel loved, beautiful, worthy, talented, & gifted.

Being depressed over shaving off his beard or me feeling like a fat-fatty is only a symptom of something greater going on inside. We've both been in this nasty rut lately where we feel unmotivated and uninspired, but where does this self pity, depression & apathy come from? Certainly not from God! I will add that having a new baby and sometimes little help + a husband who isn't home a lot doesn't always make me feel super inspired every day all day....

But It's amazing how quickly we convince ourselves that we're worthless or not good enough. It's incredible how easily another person's opinion can knock us down. How many times have you read a Friend's status update and felt like your life sucked in comparison to theirs? How man times have you sat on Pinterest wasting time looking at all of the yummy meals you could make or pretty clothes you could buy but don't because of this or that and then end up feeling bad about yourself in the process?

So my pledge is this: to spend more time seeking out what the Lord says about me rather than spending time caring what others think of me/being depressed/not loving ME! I will spend more time with Jesus than with Pinterest or Facebook. I'm going to decide who I want to be and BE that! After the holiday's have come and gone, I'll be pulling back a bit and figuring out what I want my photography business to look like. I've started my turbo fire (that turbo fire is no joke. It's more challenging than training for any marathon ever was. But I will get there! I will! The worst part is taking the "before" photos and writing down measurements. It's no fun.)

Oh, and Dustin is growing the face pubes out....
What girl doesn't love a man with scruff??

Sweet Pumpkin Pies:

2011-10-27T13:38:00.000-07:00

Conrad tasted his first pumpkin chocolate chip cookie yesterday and was quite excited about it.

He managed to get warm-gooey chocolate all over his pj's.... good times.

{Hope you're having a lovely fall day!}

A Clothing Swap:

2011-10-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

I held a clothing swap last weekend for 15+ girlfriends of mine and I. What's more fun than shopping 15+ closets?! We enjoyed champagne mimosas, fattening sweets and each other's company and everyone left with "new" duds! I can't wait to host another swap for the spring!

At the end of the day, we bagged up about 10 garbage bags full of clothes that will be donated to the Destiny House.

Dustin helped wrangle the kids, set up the tables and even offered to watch the toddlers upstairs so the other Mom's could have a kid-free hour or two. What'a guy.

Amanda, Sofia & my Mom came to help me set up..... Isn't Amanda a little hottie?

Landon wasn't interested in all of this girlie stuff.

Tracy & Kristy came and nursed their baby girls with me.
Oh, you didn't realize they were breastfeeding? Yep, they are. Who knew you could feed your baby,
without a cover (gasp!) and STILL be totally modest about it?

April, Aubry & Alicia came!

Drea admired a sleeping Elle. I think her baby fever is in full force!

Sarah & Sofia hanging out in the dressing room:

Whoopie pies & brownies.

Whitney & Randi chatting away.

Paulina browsing:

Madi trying on a pair of pretty flats:

(I wish I had gotten a picture of everyone that was there.)

Thank you, ladies for coming to the clothing swap. I had such a fun time with all of you!

The Pumptin Patch:

2011-10-20T03:00:00.000-07:00

It makes me happy that he calls them "Pumptin" patches!

October makes me happy.

My kids make me happppppy!

Elle's cheeks are o.o.c. (out of control.) Like for realz. What is she smuggling?

Someone give her a cavity check!!!!!

YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? Chicks got somethin' in there!

Those cheeks! THOSE CHEEKS!

I covet her chubbiness. I urn for it. I drink in her fat little self.

I want to make myself a little bed in one of her fat, fluffy thigh rolls and cuddle up right in that sweet, cushy roll and take a nap.

You heard me right. I want to take a nap in my daughters fat thigh roll!

I do not apologize for loving the deliciousness that is her fat-sweet-baby-lardness.

I will eat her.

I will.

srsly, I willlllll.....

Behold the sweetest pumpkin that ever lived.

Prepare your eye balls.

She will astound you.

Those eyes. She will slay a boy or two with those eyes.

He kept saying, "TOOT TOOT!" while we rode. What a lil' doodle muffin. I LOVE that trains excite him. I love that every time we see a guy on a motorcycle while driving in the car he shouts, "MOTORCYCLE mom MOTORCYCLE!" I love this little boy-man-sandwich.

I'm too cool for this train Mom.

Bounce house.

The only picture I was able to get with the two of them together:

Conrad's 1st experience at the patch (so tiny and cute!)

Photos of last year's pumpkin patch play date

At the patch w/ bff Remi

{Have a wonderful day. Vampire Diaries is on tonight.

I only watch to see Caroline & Tylor make out and or potentially get it on or sort of get it on-possibly. Lets just be real.}

She's Too Young Still To Really Appreciate "Mr. Cup-Hand Man."

2011-10-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

The way she curls her toes in delight.

The way she looks up at her Dad as he calls her "Honey girl" and washes her squishy-fat-juicy thighs.

Her brothers laughter, which was loud enough for the neighbors to hear.

The bubble gum scented Elmo bubbles that my two year old just has to eat to know for himself that these delicious smelling poppy things were not in fact edible.

The bubble-Santa beard on his sweet little face.

The hubby who didn't even change out of his work clothes before he heard us in the bathroom

and had to come join in on the fun when he got home. (love that man.)

The sweeter-than-the-bubble-gum-scented-Elmo bubbles unprompted hug from one big bro

to his little sis that made my heart beam with love....

The look of pure terror in her eyes when that big bro I mentioned

gave her that unpromted hug I mentioned.....

She was thinking, "Surly, he will crush my body and destroy me. Surly he will squash me to pieces."

This elated Momma thinking, "Wow, this really is heaven watching the two of them grow up together."

His little nakey bum.

AND, MR. CUP HAND MAN!!!!!!!

(One day, she'll giggle herself silly laughing-til-she pees at Mr. Cup-hand man. )

Tonight, while putting this post together, I thought to myself,

"They'd be really blessed to have the type of relationship with each other that Vinni & I have...."

I have THE BEST brother in the whole wide universe.

{What up bro. Love you!}

Sweet Mornings Like These:

2011-10-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

When I watch this video, I think:

1) He is the BEST brother ever. I want to bottle up his sweet 2 year old voice and keep it forever.

2) Don't poke her eye out with your zebra's tail.....

3) Whose that hot guy in the yellow shirt?..... Mmmmmm.

4) HOLY CHINS BATMAN! That little lady's got chins for days.

{I'm kind of pooped. I hosted a clothing swap today for about 15+ friends of mine
and can't wait to share the photos of our morning together. Everyone got to take home a few really cute things! Can't wait to host another swap for spring!}

Happy Saturday!

The Truth About Ryan Gosling.

2011-10-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday morning, after feeding Elle and slipping back into bed, I drifted off to sleep. I awoke moments later to my husband towering over me kissing me goodbye. Later that day I apologized for being so grumpy when he said goodbye and he asked what that was all about......the furrowed brow-squinty eyed "why'd you HAVE to wake me up!" kind of look in my eyes....

Chelsea: Ahem.... (I clear my throat.) Um, well.... I was having a dream.....Ryan was in it.....

Dustin: Oh, god. (rolls eyes) What was it about!

Me: Well. We were making out. He was talking dirty. It was pretty intense.

Dustin: (laughing) and then what happened.

Me: More dirty talk, more making out.... more dry humping.... the ush.

Dustin: Wait. Dry humping? What a waste of a dream! You had a dream about Ryan Gosling and you DRY HUMPED? Lame. (although he doesn't necessarily support my dream-land-hump-fest with my very fake, ~~very hot,~~ AND YET not as hot as my own living-breathing-sexalicious husband, at least it doesn't hurt his ego that I, ahem, dry humped Ryan Gosling in my dream....) I digress.

Me: Well, I'll never know what would have happened now will I?

Dustin: You've got such a boner for him. You and every other woman in the world.

Side Note: I fully support his celeb-crush on Natalie Portman. Just so you know.

A few weeks back, we went to see the movie Drive (and the week before that it was Crazy Stupid Love, and next week we plan on seeing Ides of March.....But not because of Ryan, but because these movies have gotten such great reviews....) We ended up sitting next to a really funny, animated, black couple who quickly befriended us (after the movie, we practically walked all the way to our cars talking and laughing. We should have gotten their number.) The husband was (annoying like me) when it comes to movies. He kept offering up his commentary every few minutes (I'm sorry. It's true. Ask anyone whose gone with me to a movie... I just don't shut up.) Every time someone got shot he'd shout, "Aw, DAYUM! Didn't see that one coming." So anyway, there's a part in the movie where the actors have a really long-awkward silence and the movie is getting kind of weird. The husband sitting by us looks at the wife and goes, "You really picked a winner honey!" He was being sarcastic. And then Dustin goes, "It's not just white girls who are obsessed with Ryan Gosling....." to which she goes, "Oh, that boy is SO fine!" Agreeing with him. (Drive was both of us ladies choices for the movie.) Lucky for us, they had a sense of humor and laughed about it with us instead of giving us the stink eye or thinking we were totally racist.

Side note: I <3 black people.

lol.

Black woman like him, white woman like him, dudes wanna be him. Seems like these days, every one's got a boner for him. So anyway. I will shamelessly admit-the guys' not terrible looking.

Go {here} if you want a good laugh.

In other news. This week has been ah-mazing. Really, it's been totally enjoyable to the max. I've been spending much more special time with Conrad doing fun things with him. We've been getting a long great and tantrums have been few. I feel like whatever cloud of gloom that we were both standing under has moved-I told the ladies at church that I feel completely delivered from the unhealthy, sinful feelings I had in my heart towards him. (Maybe Jesus will deliver me next week from my Gosling infatuation....) He has been such a big helper to me this week and I told Dustin that I feel like I'm falling in love with him again. He makes my heart feel so full. My patience, peace and grace for him is not by my own doing. I know that God imparted the ability this week, for me to be the Mother that I see in my mind-that I long to be. Thanks for your prayers and advice.

{Hope you're having a great week.}

Fighting The Good Fight

2011-10-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Pillow talk the night before I left for Texas:

Dustin: "I'm really going to miss you."
Chelsea: Very long pause. Still, pausing. Contemplating how to reply.... so I just smile with tears in my eyes and the aftermath of an hour of crying all over my face. I feel like I've just been jumped and round house kicked in the face by Sub-Zero in a very dark ally.

Sadly, my red face was not the result of a round house kick in the face and Sub-Zero was no where to be found. It was none other than my two year old who straight slide kicked my ass and ice blasted my soul... or so it felt. (I played too much Mortal Kombat as a kid. Thanks to my older brother.) Anyway.

He scratches my back and begins to pray. He asks for peace. He asks for supernatural strength. He asks for discernment in disciplining our child (Conrad). In my head I'm saying, Yeah God, where has YOUR peace been? Why haven't YOU given me the strength to be patient? Where has YOUR discernment been when I've felt so alone, lost and confused in this battle with my son? Where have YOU been?

My heart is hard.
My heart is broken.
I feel like an empty shell of a woman.

Rewind to 7:00pm that night.

I'm on the phone with my Mom crying, begging her to come over and save me from this ~~hell hole~~ this no good, very bad day.... She jets on over with my favorite burrito in hand and takes my baby from my arms, plays with Conrad and I retreat to the shower. (love you Mom.) I LOST my shit again right as I sat down on the shower floor. I began replaying the events of our day. In my mind, I saw the struggle to gain back control from my two year old. I saw our relationship unraveling. I saw how ugly I had been. How I had yelled and begged him to obey, how I had given him whatever he wanted just to shut him up because of my overwhelming anxiety and need for SILENCE! How the resentment had been bubbling up inside of my heart (my eyes fill with tears as I type). I replayed the words, "I hate him." In my head. I had said that to myself that day (not actually meaning it. I hate his disobedience, not him.) I wanted to run away. Far, far away. I was losing him, I felt. Losing control. Losing my tenderness towards him. Losing heart. Losing my passion for parenting him in love, as the Lord would desire I do. I was no longer laying down my life for him, putting him ahead of my own desires. I was watching the clock waiting until bedtime so I could take a breath. When he'd wake up from his nap, my attitude was, "Oh god, here we go again!"

I wasn't thinking about how I would "miss" my family. I was thinking about how big of a burden my job had become. How overwhelmed I felt. How alone I felt.

There is no denying that my trip to spend time with my girlfriends was certainly a gift from God. I needed to see Morgan patiently disciplining her daughter and interacting with her. I needed to stay up late sipping wine and eating fattening pizza with Morgan chatting about life, our husbands, our sin, our hearts, Jesus & our passions. It was healing for me to get a break and not have an agenda of things to do. I found myself thoroughly enjoying reading Eliza (her 2 year old) flash cards and kissing her 4 month old (beck's) chubby belly. It rejuvenated me and blessed me greatly. I NEEDED that sweet time of rocking my baby on Morgans porch, nursing her and watching her chickens playing out in her yard.

When I met Dustin and Conrad at baggage claim I had tears in my eyes. I was so happy to see them. When I got home, the fridge was full, he had flowers on the table for me, laundry was done, & he has written me a letter expressing his gratitude for the job that I do everyday, taking care of the house and the kiddos. I felt appreciated. He got a taste of how hard it can be and he appreciated me.

This week though, Conrad and I began to battle again. Every hour was a new set of tantrums, giving him "choices", putting his butt in time out, threatening spanks and feeling, AGAIN like my relationship with him was slipping out of my fingers. It felt like I was negotiating with a terrorist. I had no control of him. He is a savage whose only goal in life is to make MY life utterly impossible. If I tell him that the apple is red, he'll argue that the apple is blue-and then cock his tiny arm back and launch the "blue" apple right at my very engorged right breast-engorged because I can't feed my daughter with out his little naughty butt coming over and trying to sit on her head in an attempt to squash it like a watermelon (the image of Gallagher smashing watermelons comes to mind. Lord, have mercy!) Everyday seemed like a battle.

I went away to get a break and regroup but now I'm back to zero. I'm having MORE anxiety than I had the day that I left for my trip. Somethings got to give.

Wednesday rolled around and it was 9:15. My woman's bible study/worship service (Real Woman) starts at 10:00 and we were no where to being close to ready. We jump in the car, I've hardly got a stitch of make up on and my hair is pulled into a greasy pony. Elle is still in her nighty, but whatever, we're going! I just SO needed to be around these woman and get some encouragement. I was feeling totally broken down.

The worship music was good to hear and the message was amazing. During our tables discussion time, one of the ladies looked at me and commented on how quiet I was and how I usually don't SHUT UP! I've always got something to contribute to the conversation. Immediately, I told the ladies that I needed to confess my heart to them. The tears began to stream down my cheeks and I began to talk about how hard my relationship with Conrad has been. How I feel like I've failed as a mother. How defeated I feel. Going into Real Woman that morning, I hadn't intended to pour out all of this garbage into their laps, but boy, was it necessary.

Desi let me speak my mind for a few moments and then began to pray. She prayed with such authority and her words were SO completely healing for me to hear. She asked for the Lord to heal anything broken in my relationship with Conrad, asked for Him to give me ways to strategies when it comes to disciplining him, asked for peace asked that the rebellious heart in him would dissolve and that he would become plyable-teachable-obedient. She prayed that he'd have a cheerful heart when it came to taking orders from me and that my resentment and unforgiveness of him would dissipate. The ladies all gave me their nuggets of wisdom & it felt freeing to confess to them how strongly I "dislike" him sometimes and that he's become more of a burden than a blessing to me-how badly It hurts my heart that I feel this way. They each had stories to share of situations where they had fallen short of the mothers that they wanted to be but that God takes those situations-teaches us and redeems us back to Himself and that out of the overflow of my relationship with Him, I can be the mother that he's purposed me to be.

Desi's advice: This too shall pass.

We drove home, had lunch, read books and I put him in bed. When he woke up from his nap, I was actually excited to see him for the first time in months (it's shameful to even admit that.) We played, I had patience with him and when he had a time out later in the day, I actually had a break through with him. He responded to it with a "sorry" heart. He climbed up on the couch as I nursed Elle and I put one leg out so he could straddle it and put his arms around my neck and cuddle. His snuggles were like salve on an open wound. We were actually "connecting" and not butting heads with each other.

I realized that I had to forgive him in my heart for the days/weeks/months of disobeying. The grudges I was keeping. The resentfulness i had towards him. I felt like the Lord was melting it all off of me. My shoulders felt light again. The joy was being poured back into me. I need to praise God even in the storms, in the bad days, in the struggles. He is still good, even when my circumstances-or child is not. I need to love Conrad through the growing pains.

Today we took our time at the park and didn't rush ourselves, watching the clock, waiting for nap time. We collected leaves & flowers and made several trips back and forth from the grassy field to the puddle of water and watched all of his treasures float on top of the surface of the puddle on the side walk at the park.

It was bliss.

I'm once again reminded how good and faithful God is in restoring and breathing life back into relationships that are broken or bruised.

Relationships take work. Even my relationship with my son. But through it all, I will continue to fight the good fight, knowing that My God is working on me and won't leave me in this "ugly" state. He is beautifying me through those shameful moments of confessing to girlfriends my weaknesses and pulling me closer to him through the pain and confusing days of parenting .

"Come Check Out This Dimply Butt!"

2011-10-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

As Dustin was getting Elle undressed for her evening shower with me, he shouted for me to grab my camera and get a shot of that lil' baby boo-tay. Dimples! Sweet, yummy, make you want to go "Awwwww!!!!" and squish her cheeks-dimples! So while I was at it, I got a few shots of the two of them together. Her expression in a few of these is like, "Mom, do you mind? I'm having a moment with Dada....!"

This last one is precious to me.

I love that Dust is looking at himself in the mirror.

Yes, honey. "Daddy" looks good on you.

And Elle's dribble is oh-to-cute to boot.

{Soaking up these sweet moments.}

Putting On His Big Boy Pants.

2011-10-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

{The husband agreed to let me snap a few photos, as long as I was discrete and didn't have the camera in the lil' mans face making him feel pressure to tinkle.}

He made great progress this weekend folks! I got a text from my hubby letting me know that Conrad had peed in his big boy pants {SEVEN} times in one hour, but that he was staying strong! The little dude didn't actually tinkle in the potty, yet, BUT he sure let us sit him on the throne, which a few weeks ago brought him much fear and anxiety. I'm glad he's feeling better about it.

{Dustin turned on the water so it might help him go..... for some reason, that makes me smile.}

Mommy-cation!

2011-09-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

Dustin suggested that {i} use up {his} free plane ticket and go see my girlfriends in Austin this weekend, and who am I to oblige..... I need a break from the chaos of two children and these dreadfully long days with the hubs back in school! Elle is accompanying me for our girls weekend of pedicures, sushi dinners, relaxing on the porch with two of my dearest friends & getting a few sweet days away, just the two of us! We leave tomorrow! Although i will miss my toddler-bumble bee butt, I really couldn't be more thrilled for our ladies only adventure. AND to top it all off, Dustin is implementing his wee-wee's only, Daddy-potty training weekend-boot camp-pee-pee in the potty (or in a bush like a real man) weekend with Conrad. (Dustin has WAY more patience than I do, so I'm glad that he's ready to train the little guy.) I'm leaving him with a few of my pearls of wisdom from my potty training days as a nanny, but I know he will rock the potty training! Conrad's got his uber cool big boy undies and I think he's ready now too.....

The kids watching a movie in their pj's

Texas here we come!

SUNDAY sunday SUNDAY:

2011-09-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

After an ex-hau-sting night with my baby girl, Dustin made the executive decision that we were most definitely staying home from church this morning and let me sleep in (thank you sweet baby Jesus, for my kick ass husband). We made some coffee, loaded the Chiclets in the car, rocked out to some major old school 90's rock, Radio Head style on our way to Glaziers for some grocery shopping. We gathered tons of yummy apples and such for our new Juicer, gifted to us from my dear friend Bobbie! I'm kind of obsessed with it at the moment! Anyway. This is what we wore. Nothing too fancy.

This moby was a gift from my mom

back when Conrad was a wee-lil-man sandwich.

Elle wore some awesome thrift store duds.

The kitty in the pocket is my fav. What'a babe.

Mom let me rummage through her closet last night and pick out a few things. (I love being able to share closets....) This whole post baby bod stage is really a buzz kill some days. Nothing that I own appeals to me and everything seems to hug in all of the wrong places. Either my lady-jugs aren't concealed enough or my wretched mommy tummy is too obvious.... but thankfully mom had a few adorable flowy tops that I could borrow. {Thanks Mom!}
And besides, it's only been 8 weeks since Elle was born!
It seems like just yesterday....Wow, time flies! I love this silky, bright top.

Top: Anthropologie, Jeans: The Limited thrifted,

Hope you have a fabulous Sunday

Go check out what the other ladies are wearing {HERE}

Bucket Butt:

2011-09-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Jason ain't got nothin' on this little serial lady killer....

He is WAY too excited about getting his butt stuck in this bucket. (Those crazy eyes....)

The army crawl, bucket-off-my-butt move. Didn't really work, but nice try.

Daddy arrived home shortly after to have tickle fights.

And Elle Macpherson thought it was all too hilarious.

As I was cleaning, I looked over and saw him take a break from playing with toys

to lay down and admire his sister.

Other than witnessing such uber adorablness,
I've been having some major behavioral issues with Conrad.

-Q: Why does my two year old make my life so hard sometimes?
-A: Uhhhh, Because he's two!

His thought process during a time-out threaten attempt, "Go ahead Mom, threaten me with another time out. See if I care! I'll just keep doing more stuff all day long that you've told me a million times not to do because you know what? I'm in that kind of mood! SO deal with it!" Truth is, I haven't been dealing with it well at all. Why can't he just OBEY and LISTEN? He's going through this ornery stage where if I tell him not to write on the walls with markers, or on my couch, or on his sister while I'm trying to feed her, he gives me this naughty grin and does it anyway. Is he testing me? Why does it have to be a test? Why can't he JUST do what I ASK! Ugh. It causes me such anxiety. (And it always has to be right as I'm trying to get out of the door to get to an appointment on time or when my hands are full and I'm sweating balls trying to cook and have something hot on the table for Dustin when he comes home. It's always right in the middle of something largely important to me when he decides to be naughty.)

So after several time outs didn't work one afternoon, he wasn't tired or hungry or bored, he was just being a TURD! I threatened with a spank. And yes, he disobeyed again (in my head I'm thinking, please god, help him obey. I SO don't want to do this!) And then I did it. Two swats on his little naughty bare bum. He cried for a second and then we hugged and talked about it. I said I loved him and needed him to be a big boy and listen to me and he agreed. It was sad. Sadly, it was necessary.

Later on in the week it happened again. He crossed me like a gun slingin' rebel cowboy. I kept asking him to come sit down so i could change his poopy diaper (again, I'm thinking, dear lord, when will this kid be potty trained! Ugh, the poop! The grown man sized monster turds! Gag!) After sparring back and forth, during this momentous stand off of dirty looks exchanged back and forth, I say, "If you don't get over here right now, you will get a spanking." Imagine if you will, dingle berries dangling from his tush. It's not pretty. And you know what he did, he gave me a squinty-eyed, furrow browed dirty look and marched his stinky butt right over and laid down. Thank god.

Discipline is so hard. It's hard to pick a parenting style and stick with it. Someone once told me, "Good parents shouldn't have to hit their kids." I'm starting to wonder though if spanking makes you a "good" or a "bad" parent. My thing is, every kid is different. For some kids, time out's don't effect them. It's not as big of a consequence. I don't believe that spanking (not beating a kid's ass raw, but spanking in love and not out of anger) does not have a lasting effect. I don't think he'll be 20 years old in his therapist's office telling stories of traumatic ass whoppings. I highly doubt it. I do believe that to love my child means to discipline him, which has a lasting effect. Some days though, If I threaten with a time out, he falls apart and begs me not to. He does exactly what I ask and doesn't fight me. Other days, not so much. I feel like he's giving me invisible middle fingers all day long. I can take away Sesame Street, toys, treats. Nothing matters. Nothing. He's just a rebel whose only cause is to shit all over my day.

I do feel confident in my choices when it comes to training my son up in a godly way, in a way that he will look back on his child hood/ teen years and be thankful that I didn't let him get away with
whatever-whenever-wherever. I hope he will thank me.

This transition has been very difficult (some days). He loves her so much. He's totally obsessed with her but it's me that he can't stand, I'm afraid. He hates that his time is divided up. I'm trying to make things special for him during this transition. He had a sleep over with my in laws one weekend and went to pet the animals at a petting zoo with my parents one weekend. It's just been such a funky few weeks. There are moments in my day when he's wearing me so thin emotionally that I just think, "Why can't you come with a MUTE button and a freeze button. I'd do anything for you to just stand quietly like a statue for 30 minutes!"

Have I become an enabler? Maybe I'm the problem.

It's hard to explain that his sister is here to stay, and even if he's sometimes pissed off about it,
he still needs to do what he's asked. I hope he gets it soon.

So that's where we are. When he's not getting his butt stuck in a bucket and making me laugh so hard I CRY, he's getting his naughty butt in trouble, which makes me WANT TO CRY!

And so is motherhood.

No one said it'd be easy.

Taking the good with the bad.

They Make My Heart Hurt...

2011-09-18T15:48:00.000-07:00

In the best kind of way.

She found her hands!

{Hope you're having a fabulous weekend.}

I Bet You Never Knew....

2011-09-15T12:59:00.000-07:00

exactly how amazingly-made the man-stick, bacon rod, beastus maximus, Captain Winky, purple-helmeted spartan of love, wang, dong, wiener, Flesh rocket or whatever you've named your Johnson really is! Before you write me off as a total perv, let me explain!

When we talked about circumcising our baby, not knowing it would actually be a girl, we both had a lot of reservations about it. When we asked a doula friend what she thought, her opinion was hard for me to wrap my mind around. She argued that to circumcise the penis was to mutilate it. I didn't quite buy that explanation because Conrad's wee-wee sure doesn't look "mutilated". He really only complained for a day or two after his surgery and it doesn't seem so bad... I've always imagined that a circumcised peen would look more appealing than one that wasn't, having never seen an erect uncircumcised wang though, it's hard to judge that theory. You might want your sons "kick stand" to look like his Dads. I wouldn't want my son to be judged or made fun of in the locker room if his "big Lebowski" wasn't circ'd like the other dudes. And what if woman reject him because of his extra skin? (I guess that wouldn't be so bad actually.... it might help keep him pure during the very hormonal teen years. Maybe? I wouldn't want him to be with someone who didn't accept him as he was anyway.)

I think after seeing this video, and actually learning how the uncircumcised "man-asaurus rex" worked, visually seeing the job of the foreskin, kind of got both Dustin and I thinking. Is it really our right to alter our child's penis without his consent? Just because we think it "looks" better? We aren't so sure that circumcision is the way to go, just as we knew that culturally, even though cesarean birth is considered a normal way to birth a baby, it wasn't the way we felt our baby should be born, (if there weren't life or death complications during birth.) Our feelings are very mixed having learned more about the topic.

Did we take away from our son, the choice to be cut or not to be cut?
Could sex really be that different for him if he hadn't been cut?
Is circumcision a cultural thing that we just "do" to our kids, making that decision to alter their body in a way that they might not want?
Would our son resent us if he were never circumcised?

I highly recommend watching this video. The information in it will really get you thinking.
Tell me what your thoughts are on the topic. I'm really interested to know how you feel.

It makes me feel kind of strange having made that choice for him.

My feelings are very mixed.

*Please only share your thoughts once you've viewed the video.

Ps, I'm not (that big of) a perv.
Pss, It's ok to be passionate about your opinion or disagree with me.
It won't hurt my feelings.

6:23 ON A SUNDAY

2011-09-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

He calls it "Sho-wow time!"

We call it "Sho-wer time!"

Either way, it makes my heart very very happy.

Getting Through It.

2011-09-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

Dustin says she looks like a little old lady in her nighty-gown.

Elle received an owl with her name stitch on the back from my friend Natalie in the mail {Thanks doll.}

I found her the most adorable vintage sailor outfit....

Baby kisses.

A sweet-old man-checker at Target called her "Sleeping beauty" as she slept in her sling this week.

My heart melts.

This week has been.... good. And exhausting. But good. I'm thankful that God has graced me to get through each day. Right now, that's what life is about. Getting through. If I can get through each day without completely falling apart because my toddler is adjusting to his new life, tantrums are many and my patience is few, If I can manage to read him books before bed while Elle sits on the couch and Dad is at school, if we can get through a few books before she needs me again.... I hate cutting story time short but I'm only one Momma, If I can get through one shopping trip without a tantrum (oh, sweet baby Jesus, help my son to be a good boy who doesn't turn into a little demon child when I go to the store...each time.) , If I can check off at least one item on my to-do-list for the day, If I can put a hot meal on the table at least a few times a week..... I will eventually get the hang of it and be triumphant at juggling it all. Eventually. Sometimes it's nice to just throw out all of my to-do's and snuggle my babies in bed while we watch Signing Time for the third time that day OR get In N Out for the 2nd time that week..... But God is good, we will get through each day by his grace and although I can't be two people, I can be enough. I am enough for them even when I feel like I'm failing at life in every category, my God is pleased with me. How often I forget this. There is nothing I can't do when he is my refuge and help. I've needed that refuge in bigger ways lately. Oh, how I have needed him! {Sometimes you have to give yourself a little pep talk, right?!}

As embarrassing as it is, I too have moments of weakness where I "snap" and yell at my kid. "Mommy tantrums" If you will. Like today, for example. In the car, after a horrific trip to the store, baby #1 keeps telling me that baby #2 is crying. But he doesn't just tell me once as a kind reminder, he keeps repeating himself over and over and over.... deep breath. She's hollering and he's giggling, and repeating "baby crying mom! Baby crying!" I turn around like a crazy person and shout, "Enough! You don't have to tell me that she's crying. I have ears too! I hear her! DO not speak again... or.... OR I'LL PULL THIS CAR OVER...!" (When I say I'll pull this car over, I'm really saying, I'll pull this car over somewhere so I can sob and throw myself a pity party. Ugh. So that sucked. I had to apologize for my behavior. Then while saying our nightly prayers that night, I asked him what we should pray about. First we prayed for sister, then daddy, then Grandma then.... he prayed for his dinosaurs. It was so cute, I'm not gunna lie. Then he held on extra tight as I went to put him in his crib and he gave me a kiss (without me asking for one.) He still loves me, even when I mess up. Moments like that really make the not so glamorous moments when the sweet 2 year old who sometimes (oftentimes) turns into a little monster child at the store, ~~or when I turn into a monster of a mommy,~~ not so terrible. We're getting through it. The adjustment has been difficult at times, but that sweet baby girl owns my heart and it will get easier.

And, update on how the siblings are bonding: They're doing great. He is OB-sessed with her. He wants to hold her and kisser all the time. He helps me put her diaper on and when she's upset, he says to her, "You OK Ewiotte! You OK!" He hasn't tried to smother her yet or gouge her eyes out. Yippee!

A good word.
A good listen.
A hot Momma to be.
A good read. {watch the video. If only cesarean birth could be as lovely as portrayed in this video.}

{Have a great weekend.}

MerNaids Aren't Supposed To Be Scary:

2011-09-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

We had a play date yesterday at the aquarium inside of the Silverton. I thought Conrad would LOVE watching half fish, half human-pretty-colorful mermaids swimming around with the sharks and fishes, but he was totally freaked out. Actually, he was quite terrified-at first. It took him a while to warm up to the idea but once he saw his friends dancing with the merNaids, he decided they weren't so scary....

I thought we'd snap a quick picture together in front of the aquarium, with the lovely, mermaids, but right as I picked him up, he lost it and was half crying, half yelling and clinging onto my neck AND Elle's neck (She was sleeping in the sling....) It was sad. It was funnier than it was sad, but it was still sad.

Hiding from the merNaids.

Watching the "mernaids" dance:

On the way home, (over and over like a broken record),

he kept wanting me to turn around and watch him dance like the mermaids.

I don't want to forget how painfully adorable he is at this age.

It hurts my heart in the best way when he calls them "mernaids."

{Have a great weekend!}

7:20PM On A Monday:

2011-08-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

{They melt my heart!}

You Can't Expect It To Be So Easy....

2011-08-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

This week has been rough sauce. Like, seriously rough, Super-tiring, hard, exhausting, & tear filled.
I know when I'm having a particularly hard day because my spine gets all tight and It's difficult to breathe. (That's when I'm grateful for impromptu, emergency Skype dates with friends who pray for this basket case mother of two and love me.)

My midwife says I've got post partum anxiety. So that's what this shit storm is? That explains it! It's not like post partum depression where you have weird thoughts of harming your baby, you're afraid to be around people or you are weepy and sad for no reason (that was me with Conrad.) I feel the complete opposite with Elle. I'm high strung. The tiniest thing can go wrong (getting lost on the other side of town after a Dr's appointment where I waited nearly 2 hours to see the Doctor which resulted in a total full on anxiety attack, crying, and yelling at my husband on the phone to help me get un-lost and praying to god my baby girl doesn't wake up and need to be fed on the side of the road...) Good times. It's like I've lost my coping mechanisms for stress. The smallest disappointment becomes a large mountain of devastation. My joys are extra amazing and glorious. My disappointments are extra debilitating. I cry happy tears almost daily and tears of frustration quickly follow. I think post-partum-bipolar-syndrome is a better explanation of what the hells wrong with me.

Damn hormones!

Not only that, I've become a first time mother all over again. They say you're more relaxed the second time around, but I disagree. I'm more protective, more cautious, & more concerned about every single thing concerning Elliotte. Not that I wasn't before, I just have a very different connection with her as a new born than I ever had with Conrad. Dustin was sucking snot out of her nose the other night as she screamed and cried and all I could do was sit and watch in horror just waiting until he was done and I could scoop her up and snuggle her back to calmness and peace.

I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine about how hard this life change of adding another baby to our family has been. One thing that she said was, "I don't know why you expected it to be easy. It's not going to be easy..." I guess I did sort of expect it to be "easy." I don't know what I expected really. The difficulties of having two some how surprised me and blindsided my ass.

A week ago, a stranger offered to help me to my car with my groceries and as he pushed my cart with my food and my two year old in it, I followed next to him with Elle in the sling. He asked how I was doing and I couldn't hold back the tears. (really, Chelsea? Breaking down to a stranger? Awkward.) Just a simple trip to the store can turn me into an emotional wreck. I tried to suck it up and say that I was doing just fine for the sake of saving myself the embarrassment. But I wasn't fine. I was a mess. Part of me was just so grateful to have someone give me a hand and the other part of me was completely frazzled and hanging on by a thread. I wasn't holding myself together as well as I thought I was. He said something sort of profound, looking back. He told me to enjoy this stage of sleepless nights because even though it's hard, it's going to be gone before you know it.

He's right.

So that's what we're doing. We're taking each day as it comes. I'm asking god for extra helpings of patience with my two year old and when my new born has mustard colored poop all the way up to her neck and I'm cleaning crap out of everything, I just try to smile and take it moment by moment not expecting it to be easier than it already is. These days do pass too quickly.

Conrad is FIN-ah-ly accepting his sister though. For the first two weeks he sort of ignored her and was in denial of her existence and now I think he gets it. She's here to stay! She's not being sent back to Target, or Trader Joe's or wherever he thinks babies come from. She's not going anywhere.... The sibling rivalry has already begun I'm afraid. When we're in the car, if Elle starts crying, he goes, "Mom, baby cryin', mom! Baby cryin'! BahhahahahahHAhaah!!!!!" And breaks out in hysterics. Why it brings him so much joy to see her cry? I don't understand it. BUT last night he did come give Elle and I a kiss goodnight (UNPROMPTED!) AND THE WATER WORKS BEGIN AGAIN! So maybe he's starting to really get used to the idea of her.

Sleeping beauty:

"If the lord had not been my help, my soul would have dwelt in the land of silence. When I thought, "My foot slips," thy steadfast love, o Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, thy consolations cheer my soul. But the Lord has become my strong hold, and my God the rock of my refuge." Psalm 94

It will get easier. These precious days will disappear all too quickly.

I need to enjoy them, even when they aren't easy.

I can depend on my God to grace me with everything I need to raise both of my sweet babies,

even in the hardest and most overwhelming of days.

Even if I'm hanging on by a very thin thread, I'm still hanging on.

Tiny Little Lady

2011-08-24T21:38:00.000-07:00

Elliotte, 6 days old.

{Photos by Kacie.}

6:42PM ON A MONDAY:

2011-08-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to video tape my little dude and all of his sweetness as much as I can before he gets too big and too cool for me, or before he starts pronouncing the word "stickers" correctly. Hearing him say, "Tickas" is pretty darn cute though.

Post Baby Ramblings.

2011-08-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on the last 2 weeks with my newest squishy-squisher-fancy-faced-button-nosed-lady....

(Yes, the dreadfully adorable little nicknames are totally necessary and I say them in the squeakiest-most annoyingest voice you could ever imagine.)

Thoughts on the last 2 weeks:

-When my husband calls her his "honey girl" as he changes her diaper, I melt into a puddle on the floor. Hearing him tell her how pretty she is makes me swoon. You'd think he was giving me a complement.

-The novelty of waking up 3+ times a night to nurse my baby has sadly worn off. It was fun but now I'm straight zombie-status-tired y'all. Like, at first, I'd hear her little perfect lips smack together ever so daintily and politely (She doesn't cry, she just smacks her lips when she's hungry. It's not even right the level of adorableness oozing out of that tiny, sweet body). At first, it was new and fun, like having a new puppy waiting for you when you got home from school... I'd joyfully wake up in the wee hours of the night, spring forth from my soft, warm mattress and do a little heel click as I jumped in the air with excitement to spend time with my sweet baby girl feeding her and watching (my boyfriend) Jimmy Fallon....on TV. NOW though, the lack of sleep has caught up with me and by the time I realize she's done with her meal, already passed out with the nip is out of her mouth, I've fallen asleep myself. I'm so tired at night sometimes, it's a wonder my eyes don't start bleeding.

-Naps are a must. I'm learning that if I don't nap when they both nap, I'm not a very nice mommy & I'm not as patient with Elle at night. The discipline of napping has come easy for me.

- The task of raising a daughter is daunting and all together frightening in a way that I never experienced with Conrad, a boy. She needs to be protected in her youth and wooed by her father, dated by her dad and his job of showing her how she should be treated by men needs to be so superior that the average dude will not stand a chance when it comes to winning her heart the way her dad did as she grew up. Raising a daughter scares me. What if she hates me, what if she loves me, what if we're so a like we drive each other crazy, what if she's more of a "daddy's girl", what if she pierces her belly button behind my back or sneaks out of her window to hang out with lame teenage douche bag boys, what if she ends up having really good taste and wants to always borrow my clothes.... (hi mom!) Ugh. The thought of raising a teenage girl stresses me out.

Elle wearing one of Conrad's new born outfits.

-I've learned that a good friend brings you herbal ointment for your raging roid, texts you to ask how your baby is breast feeding, brings you a really fattening meal, brings her kid over to play with your kid so you can have a break and talk to an adult for a few hours, comes over late at night when you're engorged and frazzled to help you latch your baby and give you the confidence you need to be the mom you want to be, prays for you when you need it and brings you sweet baby girl clothes (so your baby doesn't look like a boy...) Thank you, to my incredible friends who have really made me feel so loved. My heart is full.

-Another thing I've learned since having a baby is, DON'T under any circumstances take a mirror down town and check things out. I don't care who you are. Don't do it. I don't know why I felt like it was necessary to investigate the lady parts, but I did. And then I cried and panicked and called another mom friend who assured me that IT DOES go back to normal and then in her, "what the hell were you thinking?!" voice said, "Um, Chelsea, you had a baby 2 weeks ago! Why are you looking down there?!" No one tells you that stuff is going to be shifted around down stairs! Why isn't anyone telling anyone this? I know I "over share" way too much. It's probably unhealthy how much I over share, but lets be real here. Things look a teeny tiny bit different. *For the record, I would have rather torn all the way to my bung hole if it meant being able to birth her how I did. That's just for the record though.

-Those woman who say that they were back in their skinny jeans the same week they had their baby are bitches. Seriously. But then again, those same bitches probably aren't consuming carrot cake muffins with butter cream frosting at 3am after they feed their baby (450 calories per cake. No joke.) Sure I could exercise a little self control, but DUDE, I feel like a ravaging beast. I'm eating like a 15 year old boy. It's kind of insane and embarrassing how much I eat. But it STILL doesn't make me hate those skinny,
one-week-post-baby, skinny jeans wearing bitches any less....

-Men who wear babies are hot. Period.

-No one told me how fun having two would be. My favorite thing so far was when we were driving to see the midwife in the car for the first time as a family and Conrad pointed to an air plane and shouted, "Look Elliotte, air plane!!!" Or every time we get out of the car, I unbuckle Conrad first and he always says, "Get baby mom. Get baby!" It's cute that he's so concerned for her, OR that he assumes I'd leaver her in the car and forget her..... Either way, it's friggin adorable.

-Another thing I've learned, my husband isn't as comfortable with me nursing in public without a cover as I am with nursing in public without a cover. First off, who wants to eat under a dark sheet, and secondly, who cares. I highly doubt anyone is looking at my boob and getting aroused. We're still in the getting the hang of it stage where I really have to help her latch on properly, so doing that under the cover is really difficult. Plus, we were in the movie theater, so that makes it right I guess.

-The first day alone with two kids, by myself wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

Our first date, post baby, with baby. 5$ movie night is the best.

We saw Crazy Stupid Love and I highly recommend it.

{The last two weeks with my new honey girl have been utterly amazing.}

Elliotte's Birth Story Told Through Photographs

2011-08-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

(Song credit: Radiohead "Give up the ghost". We listened to it the night before Elle was born.

It will forever remind me of her birth.)

Although these photos are quite intimate and dear to me, I feel they are important to share, to tell the whole story. AND, because I can't go a day without marveling over how faithful and good to me my God was through it all.... I cry probably everyday just thinking about the moment she was born. I can't shut up about it, really. I'm just so over the moon and in love.

As this journey of birthing my baby comes to an end, the journey of bringing light to VBAC birth AND how incredible we as woman have been designed by God to be completely capable of enduring it, that journey has just begun. I have received numerous emails from woman who are on that journey to a more gentler birth, a drug free birth and or a vaginal birth after a previous cesarean birth. My hope is that by watching vbac birth, they might be encouraged & know that they CAN DO IT too. {Your body isn't broken!!} One of the most helpful things for me when I was pregnant was to watch videos like the one I'm sharing, read birth stories and talk to other woman who have also experienced it. I will continue to post articles, information, birth stories and birth videos in an effort to give support to woman who are on the path that I was on when I got pregnant with Elliotte and felt so alone (at first) with my desire to have a natural birth. The more I sought out woman with the same desire as me, the more NORMAL it felt to have this desire. After hearing so many beautiful stories of woman taking back their bodies and birthing on their own terms, the more realistic it felt, and less crazy it felt to have my baby at home. Anyway, that's why it's important for me to post videos like these.

It was such a blessing to have such a good friend shoot my birth photos. {Thank you a million times over, Bobbie.} If Dustin had not called her frantically during labor, we wouldn't have had a single picture. I was too busy laboring to care if anyone came to take photos, but Dustin knows how passionate I am about natural birth and knew I would want to have it documented. Luckily, it was Sunday and she wasn't working.

There is just something special about being surrounded by woman who love you and are all routing for you and crying happy tears with you when your baby is born. I was thrilled to have Bobbie be part of our birth team.

Written Like Wedding Vows.

2011-08-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

2 "Plead with your mother, plead -- for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband -- that she put away her harlotry from her face, and her adultery from between her breasts; 3 lest I strip her naked and make her as in the day she was born, and make her like a wilderness, and set her like a parched land, and slay her with thirst.

4 Upon her children also I will have no pity, because they are children of harlotry.
5 For their mother has played the harlot; she that conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.'
6 Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns; and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.
7 She shall pursue her lovers, but not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better with me then than now.'
8 And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished upon her silver and gold which they used for Ba'al.
9 Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season; and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness. 10 Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.
11 And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, her sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts. 12 And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, 'These are my hire, which my lovers have given me.' I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.
13 And I will punish her for the feast days of the Ba'als when she burned incense to them and decked herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers, and forgot me, says the LORD. 14 "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her."
15 And there I will give her her vineyards, and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
16 "And in that day, says the LORD, you will call me, 'My husband,' and no longer will you call me, 'My Ba'al.'
17 For I will remove the names of the Ba'als from her mouth, and they shall be mentioned by name no more.
18 And I will make for you a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the ground; and I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land; and I will make you lie down in safety.

19 And I will betroth you to me for ever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the LORD.
21 "And in that day, says the LORD, I will answer the heavens and they shall answer the earth;
22 and the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil, and they shall answer Jezreel;
23 and I will sow him for myself in the land. And I will have pity on Not pitied, and I will say to Not my people, 'You are my people'; and he shall say 'Thou art my God.'"
-Hosea Ch. 2

I never understood why Dustin loved this chapter so much, but this is by far his very favorite thing in the bible. For some reason I decided to read it the other day while soaking in a hot bath (while trying to express milk from my rock hard boobs....fun stuff right?) I don't think I've ever been so moved before, or so overwhelmed with a feeling of awe just realizing how utterly jealous my god is for my affection, knowing the lengths that he will go to pull my eyes away from the things that distract me, the things that I worship instead of worshiping Him. Dustin has said many times that if our eyes aren't focused on Jesus, He will do whatever it takes to draw us back to himself. I loved how after reading his chapter, I felt like it read like wedding vows. I love how romantic these words read. It sounds so much like a love letter than anything else and I love that. I've never quite looked at my relationship with god as a "father to daughter" relationship, (something I want to talk more about in a later post.) But as I read these words, I couldn't help but feel "wooed" by God, and loved by him.

In other news. I'm feeling AMAZING. Elliotte is such a little fuzzy, sweet, peach monkey butt and I'm SO so utterly in love. I don't think I set her down the entire first week. I slept with her, I bathed with her, dropped crumbs of food on her face as she nursed and I ate, I wore her, kissed every sweet little inch of her....I am SO smitten with my little lady, you have no idea. I want to have like a gazillion more babies! We had a really hard 2 nights in the first week where she was up ALL night crying. I've cut out dairy, onions and chocolate from my diet and it seems to help. My good friend Janelle came over one night to help me with lactation stuff getting Elle to latch onto my one funky nip but Things are going fabulous, (other than cracked, bloody, sore, nips that are on fire every time she eats!) But hey, I keep telling myself, If I gave birth to her "Au natural" I can handle these achin' nippies. I've been ULTRA weepy, but good weepy not depressed weepy. I've been a blubbering mess, it's half way embarrassing. I've watched my birth video probably 4 times now and cried each time. It truly was the best day of my life. She FINALLY has a middle name. Dustin chose it. We're going to call her Elliotte Rosalee. It's girlie and her big round eyes are like roses so it fits. Conrad loves her. When we ride in the car, he goes, "Look E-WEE-IT! Air planes!" It's super cute. Having two little ones has been so much fun.

*Thank you for all of the sweet comments and prayers on the blog!
I cried multiple times while reading them and felt so blessed.

Elliotte's {VBAC} Birth Story:

2011-08-04T00:04:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine suggested I sit down and start writing my birth story while it's still fresh in my head.

So here goes. Brew some tea and get a snack because I'm giving you the long version!

All week, I had been going on walks and doing pelvic rocks in the shower while Conrad took his naps, I'd been resting a lot more and had been feeling more tired and irritable. I was having braxton hicks contractions all week but nothing major. I was anticipating going well past my due date. At this point though, I was 39 weeks. Saturday came and I was extremely irritable. Everything that Conrad did annoyed me. I just wanted to be in bed and be alone, so Dustin took Conrad to the park and the store so I could rest. When they got home, I was still feeling really tired and fatigued. I called my parents in tears and they came and took Conrad to their house. My Dad had made a comment that I was about to have this baby very soon, and I disagreed. I just wasn't feeling like myself, I thought. Little did I know, He was so right. I was an emotional wreck. All I could do was clean and cry, for no apparent reason at all. I was folding baby clothes and was upset that the baby's room wasn't put together yet and Dustin sat down on the floor to talk to me and try to sort out why I was such a wreck. It was actually really great that we talked because we hadn't realized just how distant we had both been. We ended up talking, crying and praying for about 2 hours and it was just what we needed as a couple to get on the right page before we welcomed our baby into the world. We were lacking that compassion for one another and that tenderness in our marriage. We were both stressed, excited, anxious, ready, and hadn't realized that we had become so distant or hard hearted towards each other.

Dustin suggested that we go on a long drive and listen to music. I washed my face and put on a comfy dress and he made me some decaf coffee to sip while we drove. It was already getting late and about time to pick up Conrad, so we took the scenic route and drove to my parents house. We listened to an old Radiohead CD in the car. We turned up the music as loud as it would go and held hands. It was exactly what I needed. Just the two of us, in the car, listening to music we love and enjoying the last sweet moments together before we became 4.

We ate my Dad's chicken enchiladas while Conrad played with my grandma and mom and enjoyed my parents company until about 9. We headed home, put the little man in bed and went to bed as usual. I was having little braxton hicks contractions here and there but nothing to get excited about. I woke up at 11:30 and ran to the bathroom throwing up. The food didn't make Dustin sick at all, but it seemed to make me sick, which was weird (now I realize that my body was just getting ready for labor, and that's why i threw up). I went back to bed and woke up at about 4:30 with stronger contractions that I had to lean over my bed to work through. I asked Dustin to time them. They were about 6-8 mins apart. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept telling myself that this was false labor and not to get obsessed over the contractions. Surly I wasn't in labor, I was only 39 weeks! I told Dustin that if this was "false labor" this was a cruel joke because it was pretty intense.

By 5:00am, I decided that I wanted to go on a walk and be outside so I called my mother in law and she came over in her pj's to wait for Conrad to wake up and then take him to her house for the day. We got into the car and planned to pick up the video camera at my friend Sofia's house before our walk. I had two contractions in the car that rocked my world. I had to turn around in the car and hold onto the head rest, they were so intense. Sofia gave me the camera, was so excited for me she was almost in tears, gave me a hug and we headed to the park for a walk. While we were driving, it started pouring out and the windshield wipers were so annoying I told Dustin to TURN THEM OFF!!!! as i was going through another contraction. It really was the most amazing, rainy, cloudy day. It was perfect out.

I told him to take me to the store instead of a walk. I wanted to buy yogurt, cookie dough and candles. We ran through the rain and hurried into Albertson's. The rain made us both super happy and we both felt like kids. If this was labor, we were excited to be enjoying rain. (We had specifically prayed for rain when we went into labor) Luckily, we were the only people in Albertson's because as we walked through the store, I had two contractions that stopped me dead in my tracks that I needed to moan through in order to survive. At this point, I'm still wondering if this is false labor.....

When we got back home I wanted to vacuum. I would vacuum the living room rug and when I felt a contraction coming, I'd drop to my knees and call Dustin over to rub my lower back. I'd moan through it and breathe deep and slow until it passed, get back up and continue cleaning something else. At one point, as I was putting dishes away, I dropped to the ground on all fours with my head against the stove as he rubbed my back. During a contraction in the living room, I remember Dustin saying, "I know this is hard honey, but really try to praise God for each contraction knowing that it is bring our baby closer to being here with us. You're doing great!" Something suddenly bubbled up inside of me and I had the urge to worship god, so I began praying and praising Him. As I prayed and cried, I could hear Dustin whimpering and crying behind me as he rubbed my back. I had never felt such a strong desire to praise god in my life. It was such an incredibly overwhelming feeling of gratitude and love. I couldn't come up with enough words to describe how incredible my god was. In my mind, Dustin wasn't even in the room, it was just me and Jesus. That moment was one of the sweetest times of my birth.

Dustin realizes that this might be the "real" thing so he called the birth tub company to come set up our tub. He also called our midwifes assistant, Marcie to get her opinion on whether we were in real labor or not. She heard me moaning through a contraction in the back ground and said she was on her way. She arrived shortly after and it was a relief to see her. I wasn't able any longer to move or get up after a contraction. Now they were starting to get more intense. The three of us ended up in my bathroom in the dark, laboring over the birthing ball for the next few hours in silence. It felt best to be on all fours. Marcie would massage my shoulder blades to remind me to relax as Dustin rubbed peppermint lotion on my feet, back and calfs during each rush. Marcie kept reminding me to breathe slow and deep, to moan deep and not raise my voice. All of my contractions were in my back.

I stayed on my hands and knees laboring for a few hours. I remember thinking to myself, "This is exactly why woman get epidurals. This shit is no joke!" (I probably said, "Oh shit!" a good twenty times during labor. Everything said or done in labor is forgiven, my midwife reminded me.) Laboring was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I had to remind myself of the woman who birthed naturally, my girlfriends who helped me along on this journey. I told myself, "Janelle did it, Morgan did it, Mae did it, Laura did it.... YOU CAN DO IT TOO. You WILL do it!" Being in labor and in that pain is very isolating because no one in the room feels what you're feeling. But remembering the ladies who had done it too really helped me persevere through it.

Time passed and I wasn't aware of anything but trying to get through each rush. I needed silence and darkness. Dustin got up and called Carrington to come over. He also called Bobbie to come take a few pictures. When Carrington arrived, she anointed my head with oil and prayed over me for a long while. She held my hand and kept telling me I was doing a beautiful job. I remember tears falling on my birthing ball as I breathed through rushes and she prayed and stroked my hair. I was still on all fours in our bedroom with the curtains closed. The room was quiet and peaceful. Shortly after Carrington arrived, Dotty arrived. (One of my favorite memories of Dotty at my birth was when the midwife told me to make my lips loose like a horse when I moaned and Dotty kept making jokes about how excited Conrad would be if I gave birth to a little mini horse.... I laughed so hard I about cried. We kept saying I was giving birth to a baby centaur....) It felt good to have a big belly laugh between contractions. Her job was mostly just being there to pray and encourage me. She was a great part of my birth team.

The tub was almost ready and I was excited to get into it. I needed some relief. As soon as I stepped into the tub and sat down into the warm water, I began to cry because it felt so amazing and instantly took the pain away.

I labored in the tub moaning through contractions for about an hour with Carrington at my side feeding me spoonfuls of honey, giving me sips of cold water every few minutes and wiping my neck and forehead with ice cold rags that she kept dipping into an ice bucket that was on the floor in front of me. I asked Dustin to get into the tub with me at this point. I told Carrington that this was the hardest thing I've ever done and she said, "Well honey, that's why it's called labor. But this pain is beautiful Chelsea. God created our bodies to endure this labor for a reason. You're going to look back at this and realize all of the little things he was busy teaching you through your birth.... I promise, you will be addicted to this pain when it's all over." She kept whispering over and over affirmations about who god is and who I am and how capable I am. She'd say, "After this is all over, there will be nothing you can't accomplish." And, "This is going to change you in ways you never imagined it could." She was my birth guardian. I couldn't have done it without her. While in the tub, because my mouth was so sugary from the apple juice and honey, I requested to brush my teeth which made me feel so much better. I think I was in transition for about 3 hours or so.

During my next contraction, I felt my stomach flex and it caught me by surprise. I looked at Marcie and said, "I just pushed! What the hell? Am I supposed to be pushing right now? Is this normal?" (Marcie never once gave me a vaginal exam. She said that she didn't think it would help me to know how far I was dilated. What if I had done all of this work, and was in labor for hours but only dilated to a 4?) When she arrived though, she said that by the way I was acting, she thought I was probably about at a 6 or further. She just kept telling me to listen to my body, keep going and not worry about dialation. Every time she checked the baby's heart beat, it was loud and fast, so I wasn't worried at all. There wasn't a single time during my labor where I doubted myself or said I wanted to go to the hospital. I never said, "I can't do this!" I never thought about uterine rupture. I never had an ounce of fear. The only thing I could do was get through the next rush and was thankful for the breaks in between them when I could rest. I just had to focus on making it through the contractions. I had prepared myself for a very long labor and a very painful labor.

April, my midwife, arrived and knelt down beside me. Dustin said that as she entered the room, she had this attitude of confidence about her that all of us just fed off of. She wasn't panicked or alarmed, she just assessed where I was at in labor and encouraged me. She held my hand and told me I was doing amazing. She kept saying how strong I was.

My contractions were extremely close together and without anyone telling me to "push" my body just started pushing and I had to push along with it. I was squatting on the side of the tub holding onto the edge and I'd bite a towel, grab onto Carrington's shoulders and bury my head into her neck, hold her hand and just bare down as much as I could. Each time I had a contraction, I could feel my body pushing and urging me to push with it to get the baby out. I didn't expect to yell as loud as I did. I felt like Tyler from Vampire Diaries when he's going through his transformation.... My throat was on fire from yelling. Thank god for the honey and sips of cold water between pushing! (I pushed for an hour and twenty six minutes total which was fine because the baby was slowly making it's way out and stretching the tissue.) I can't imagine yelling like I yelled had I been in a hospital. I'm sure my neighbors would have called the cops thinking surely I was being murdered had I not told them ahead of time!

The backs of my legs were cramping up so badly that the midwife asked me to turn onto my back and try pushing that way to give my legs a rest. As I turned over, I saw my water bag in between my legs. It finally had broken toward the end of the pushing stage. April had a handful of olive oil that she used to lubricate my perineum. She gently put a little on me and It felt nice. Dotty grabbed one leg and squeezed it and Dustin grabbed the other to help get the cramps out. During the next contraction, I remember feeling the "ring of fire" and shouting, "OH SHIT! OH SHIT! It hurts! It burns! Make it stop!!!!!!! Oh Jesus! Get this baby out of me now!" Then I hear gasping and tears. I look over at Dustin and his lip is quivering. April had a flash light shinning so she could see what the baby was doing. I looked down and saw little blond hair floating under the water between my legs. I reached down and touched her head and then before I knew it another contraction came and I had to grab back onto Dotty and Dustin's shoulders for support. The top of the head was coming out. Everyone was quiet but I could hear people starting to cry. I was instructed to wait for the next rush before I pushed the baby out so that I wouldn't tear.

I felt the next rush coming and bared down. The head came out all the way and I started to panic. I was breathing really fast and April said I needed to relax, she showed me how to breathe, I mimicked her breathing, she said I needed to wait for the next contraction and then push the rest of our baby out. There was no cord wrapped around her neck, she looked great, I just needed to push her slowly so I didn't tear. The next rush came and I pushed her all the way out, I put my hands between her arm pits and grabbed onto her bringing her up from under the water. The midwife knew how important it was for Dustin and I to catch our baby and she respected our wishes (she actually encourages parents to catch the baby if they wish to.) I instantly began crying, Dustin was crying, everyone was crying. I kept telling our baby how much I loved her, I thanked her for coming so quickly and I couldn't stop crying. She just blinked and stared into my eyes. She didn't cry, she was just the most peaceful little baby in the whole world. She was perfectly pink. No one needed to resuscitate her, or give her oxygen or stick anything down her throat to suck stuff out. She was just so alert and sweet. (She was born at 1:04 in the afternoon which put me in labor for about 8 hours from start to finish.) We talked to her for a good two minutes until someone shouted, "What is it?" and I remember saying, "Should we look?" I think I was nervous to check. Then I lifted her out of the water and saw her little lady parts! Our baby was a girl! I was so shocked and surprised that she was a girl because I just knew she would be a boy.

We sat in the tub for about 15 minutes with our baby. Everyone in the room sort of gave us privacy and walked into the kitchen, which was nice. The midwife came back over and fed me a cup of yogurt and gave me some ibuprofen. She then made sure the baby's chord had stopped pulsing completely and handed Dustin the scissors to cut it. He cut the chord and went to take a shower while Elliotte (who still hadn't been named) and I got out of the tub and went to take an herbal bath together. She still hadn't cried. She was just so happy and content. It was nice to have her first bath together.

After about a half hour or so we got out we joined Dustin in bed to relax and Elliotte latched to nurse for the first time. April brought me toast and coconut water to drink. Marcie put in a load of towels. The birth tub company had been called to come clean everything up. Everyone was busy helping us get settled with our new baby. April showed Dustin how to weigh the baby and it took about 35 minutes for Marcie and April to complete Elliotte's new born exam. We spent a while in bed talking and deciding on her name as she was being measured and looked over.

Dotty had picked up a birthday cake for Elliotte with a number "0" candle. We all sang her happy birthday to the birthday girl. Everyone except for the midwives had left shortly after that then they gave me my exam to see how my lady parts tolerated Elliotte's delivery. I had a teeny tiny tear that didn't require stitches. Everything went so smoothly and beautifully.

What I loved about laboring at home was that I was surrounded by woman who love me and who were there to encourage me, pray for me, hold my hand, massage my back, dry my tears, give me sips of water, wipe my head, stroke my hair and no one ever had a worried look on their face. They just knew I could do it. No one doubted me. I didn't doubt me. I was prepared for the "pain." I wasn't hooked up to any machines or IV's. There was not a single intervention done. I was told to listen to my body and go with my instincts. I felt more powerful during labor than I've ever felt in my entire life. When I reached down into the water to grab my baby, all of the pain instantly left my memory and she was all that mattered. I loved the whole process of preparing for her birth. My visits with the April, my midwife were so healing and empowering. I loved that she cared about educating me and preparing my heart, body, mind and soul for birthing my baby.

(Dustin's cry face is the best.)

Photos taken by Roberta rae photography. More photos to come in the next week or so.

We are so in love with our baby girl. She is doing so well. I am SO thankful that the Lord gave me back what was stolen from me when I birthed my first baby. He redeemed my birth experience back to me and I can't take credit for being "strong." He was totally my strength. He kept my mind focused and not wondering off thinking about the "what if's." He sustained me through each hour and allowed me to birth her just as he promised He would.

Every single thing I prayed for during my pregnancy was given to me. I prayed that she would turn and not be breech and she turned. I prayed that I wouldn't be "border line" diabetic with this pregnancy and I was totally healthy (I credit the Bradley diet). I never got pre-eclampsia when VBAC mom's have a 45% higher chance of getting it, and if you get it, you have no choice but to have a repeat cesarean. I tested negative for step B when last time I had it. She didn't get stuck coming out, she wasn't in danger, she was perfectly safe and I got to birth her at home without FEAR. Her birth was by far the best experience I've ever had. The best day of my life, as cheesy as that sounds.

When everyone left, I told Dustin that I felt like God was shaking his head at me, smiling, saying, "You silly little girl, Chelsea. You thought I wouldn't give you the desires of your heart....I gave you MORE than you ever imagined I would. How dare you doubt me, or doubt my love for you!" That was a humbling moment for me.

She is sleeping well and nursing like a champ. We couldn't be happier.

Allow Me To Introduce You To:

2011-08-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Our baby GIRL Elliotte!

She was born yesterday, at home, after 8 hours of labor.

She weighs 6lbs 13oz and is 19 inches long.

We are still reliving our precious baby girls birth and can't stop talking about
how incredible it was to be surrounded by so much love and support.
Thank you for all of the prayers.

I'm gunna go snuggle my little girl!

Bump watch: Week 37

2011-07-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

The big bro came along for our little "bump watch" photos but I didn't intend to have him in the photos....Notice the Cheetos on his shirt and face? Before Kacie started taking the pics, I realized he was a hot mess and was like, screw it. It is what it is. This is us, Cheetos on fingers and shirt! This is us!

We've had a really great week this week. My energy levels are great in the early morning, which is why it's been so easy and enjoyable to take a good long walk each morning. I've been trying to walk 30-40 minutes a day. By the end of the day though, I'm soaking in Epsom salt baths and doing pelvic rocks to get this baby off of my back and relieve the pressure and pain! The morning sickness has come back with vengeance. If I breathe really slowly, and drink ice cold water, it seems to help. I guess that's just a 3rd trimester perk, dry heaving and such!

They say to "help the baby come out", you should do what got the baby there in the first place... BUT I'd like to meet this woman who gets her swerve on during the last few dreadful days of being friggin' HUGE and shake her hand. Good Lord, it's no easy task these days. There is NOTHING sexy about 3rd trimester boning. Let's just be real honest here. It's a chore, it's no longer a sexy-fun time! It's not attractive....it's like, let's do this now and get it over with as quickly as possible because I WANT THIS BABY OUT! My poor husband feels used and abused I'm sure. Am I right ladies?

Anyway. So there's that.

I'm back to consuming copious amounts of jalapenos. Raw ones too. With goat cheese. Sandwiched between two slices of bread and pressed in the panini maker. I haven't had heart burn AT ALL this pregnancy! Crazy huh? I found a great site for birth affirmations. (I figured my other pregnant friends would enjoy some of these or would want to write down the ones that spoke to them to bring with them to their births.) I have literally 7 friends who are all due the week I'm due! Crazy! Also, this book has been SUCH an incredible tool in helping me get ready.

My friend Tirzah shared her birth story on her blog, along with some gorgeous photos! Her baby was born en’ caul {in the water bag, water never broke} Pretty amazing. They say it's good luck if your bag hasn't broken and the baby is born in it.... Give her story a read. (My midwife, April delivered her baby. It's neat to see her in action!)

{Click HERE to see the previous "bump watch" photos!}

Wading...around.

2011-07-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Last week we grilled and swam at my in law's house.

Conrad insisted on swimming in his birthday suit....
Because really, who doesn't enjoy a good skinny dip or naked cannon ball?

His dimply little butt was so cute jumping into the pool over and over.

Dustin took a few photos of the {three} of us splashing around....

Aw, I said "the three of us...." because, yep, the baby was there too.

Just chillin', being big & cute in my belly.

P.S. Underwater, grainy photos make me really happy.

P.S.S. Being pregnant in the summer doesn't suck as bad as they make you think.

In A {Really} Good Place:

2011-07-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

We're nearing the home stretch here folks! I'm 38-ish weeks this week!

Thank God it's almost over!

{I'm SO ready for it to be OVER!}

I thought I'd share where I am right now, where my heart is at this point before I have this baby
and share a few photos....since I haven't posted a blog in a while.

Last week when my midwife checked me, I was already dilating, my cervix was feeling soft and she said she wouldn't be surprised if I had this baby early! I'm hoping to go into labor at 39 weeks but I'm prepared for 42 weeks, but praying for 39. Eeeekkk! We've been doing a ton of walking, stretching, squatting, birth ball sitting, raspberry leaf tea drinking, practicing relaxation daily and visualizing a peaceful, complication free birth. Mostly though, I'm just waiting on the Lord and prepared for whatever He's got in store for me. I've been going through a process of letting go of my desire to be in "control" and not putting any sort of expectations at all on myself or the baby's birth. I know I need to surrender to my birth and not hold so tightly onto any sort of expectations, knowing how unpredictable it can be. That being said, I am also expecting the Lord to do great things and I am VERY excited.

Through this process of releasing my control, It seems as though the Lord is giving me one topic to ponder (infant mortality, a child with disabilities, a child with *my strong willed, opinionated personality! A repeat cesarean, trusting my husband to be able to comfort me & say the things that will help bring me encouragement in labor, and trusting my body). NO ONE ELSE is having this baby but me! I have to trust myself and have confidence. Each week I seem to be pondering a new topic or conquering a new fear. One by one, I'm handing them over to the Lord to deal with, to dissolve the fear, bring me peace, discipline me, heal me & show me His love. After one topic has been dealt with, tears have been shed and prayers have been prayed I get handed another "what if" to consider. Something new to learn to trust Jesus with.

He's also given me a ton of really great things to consider other than the scary "what if's".

At church a few weeks back during worship, i was praying for the birth and I felt as if he was saying to me, "Haven't I given you everything else you've asked? I.am.capable Chelsea. Trust me." Then during our walk today, I was also praying for the baby & birth again and noticed how gloomy it was out and how thankful I was to walk in gloomy weather rather than walking painfully up the hill as the hot Vegas weather beat on us! It started to rain and I remembered how Dustin said that he would love for it to thunder and storm during our birth (being that we're in monsoon season!) Then I started to giggle imagining God giving us rain on the baby's birthday and how sweet that would be of him. I was praying out loud and praising god saying, "Thank you Jesus for this rain! For this beautiful walk!" and when we got into the car, Conrad kept saying, "Dank you, Deezus for da yayn!" as it beat on the windshield. I just kept crying and laughing. They're like little parrots at this age, I swear. What a great gift that rain was.

At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was still wrestling with how we were going to birth this baby as I was considering attempting a VBAC, I was really anxious about it. Will I rupture? Is it safe? What if this? what if that.... During a woman's worship service, in the beginning of it as we were singing, I was praying about uterine rupture and about this strong desire of mine to not be cut open again, and immediately I got this picture in my mind, an image of God's hands woven tightly around my uterus holding it securely, preventing it from rupturing. I immediately fell to pieces. Just at that moment my girlfriend Dotty put her hand on my stomach and leaned over towards me so I could hear as she prayed for our baby and birth. That affirmed to me that my heart was in alignment with God's and that's when I started getting really serious about delivering the baby at home. I realized that he cares about my desires. Dotty had no idea that the Lord had given me that little picture of his hands holding my uterus. She probably had no idea what I was praying for at that moment. That was another sweet reminder that he is in control. Not me. And He could be trusted.

Part of this process has actually been quite painful at times. It's painful to realize, when He, In his great love for me convicts me of my pride, my desire to take control and do it MY way and when he shows me my arrogance. When god holds up a mirror to me, showing me how ugly my sin is, how it grieves him, it's freeing when it's handed over and I'm no longer captive to it. I'm no longer a prisoner to it. That's the thing though, birth is SO unpredictable. If I don't lay down my desires before my god and my will, pursuing his greater plan, In the long run, I'll be disappointed with the outcome. His way is better than my way. And he cares about my heart being right. He also cares about my desires and has given me nothing but affirmation after affirmation to birth our baby at home. I have to rest in that.

There are greater things to be dealt with right now in my heart than the fear of baby being "too big to fit" or the pain being too much. My friend told me this week, "If you have to go to the hospital because it hurts too bad and you want the epidural, just get it! No one gets a purple heart for laboring naturally!" I know it will be too much to bare. On my own, the pain will be too much, but asking that my heart of stone would be replaced with a heart of flesh, having ears that are sensitive to God and being teachable through all of this is so vital, I'm realizing. I'm prepared for the pain. Another friend who delivered her baby at home told me that pain purifies the heart. Pain shouldn't be feared. She said that she kept repeating, "This pain brings life!" During her labor. I like that phrase.

And I will give them a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in them; and I will take the heart of stone out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 11:19

It's funny the things people say to you before you're about to have a baby. OR before you're about to attempt a home birth. They think It's so crazy to opt out of drugs, but woman have been birthing babies without drugs for how long now? I certainly have nothing against epidurals. They often help a mother rest who is exhausted, epidurals can help her dilate and relax when they're done properly and she still has sensation, the use of forceps and vacuums don't need to be used when they're done properly. So epidurals aren't "bad" but the whole thought of being numb and not feeling my butt and only knowing when I'm having a contractions by looking at a monitor to tell me seems counterproductive (for me). Another friend recently told me that she's not a "big fan of pain." She's not a masochist like me. (Her words.) But does experiencing natural child birth and being able to feel what your baby is doing, being able to responding to your baby mean that you're a masochist? I certainly don't enjoy pain. I pop a Tylenol at the first sign of a head ache, believe me, I'm no fan of pain.

Someone recently said to me, "Wow, you're SO brave for doing what you're doing." I wrestled with that statement for a moment and thought, "You know what? I AM brave!" There is no fear attached to my birth this time, there is no one to blame or be responsible for having this baby, it's all me. No one will force me to go against my intuition or instincts. I'll listen to my body, to my baby, to my god, to my midwife, follow the lead of my husband and as a team, we will work together to bring this baby into the world as gently and peacefully as possible. I like that definition of bravery. I trust that if we have to go to the hospital for whatever reason, it will be a great experience either way. I've come to peace about this topic as well.

I've really come to peace with this whole thing. It feels good. I feel like I'm at a really comfortable, confident place and I'm ready to surrender my will fully. There's nothing I want more than to give this baby the gift of a peaceful entrance into this world.

{Photos Credit}

What Are Your Thoughts On The Matter?

2011-07-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Laura showed me this letter she received from a well known, (highly recommended by my pediatrician) baby formula company.

You may have heard of them. Similac. No? Doesn't ring a bell....

As a parent who supplemented with this formula, I certainly would never judge another mother's choice to feed their child whatever they feel is best. I never questioned this company's ability to provide top of the line powered milk for my son's growth and development. In the same token, knowing that beetle parts and larva (shivers) were in these cans of formula make my stomach churn. Not that beetle larva can kill my child, but dude! Grossssss!!!! Seriously Similac? For as gosh darn expensive (boobs are free...) and for the fancy shmancy name & packaging, you'd think they'd provide a product that was fool proof. Makes me wonder how often these man made formulas are contaminated. Makes me want to show this piece of paper to the mother who argued with me that the formula companies "almost" have all of the ingredients that breast milk has and that it's practically the exact same thing.... My boobs don't produce beetle larva last time I checked.

I'm not a formula Nazi. Believe me. I used this stuff myself. But after reading {this book which totally changed my life, no kidding.} being around other nursing mothers, knowing how amazing my milk is compared with formula, my thoughts on breast feeding have completely changed. This whole thing really grossed me out. It makes me more eager to want to give breast feeding my best effort this time and not give up so quickly with it. Dustin said that he wants me to just forget that formula even exists so that I don't turn to it when the rubber meets the road and my nips are falling off and bleeding or I'm in pain from being engorged.... fun times.

I found this letter extremely disturbing to read, having been a mother who fed this formula to my first child.

I don't mean to open up a can of worms..... but seriously, what are your thoughts?

Did you use formula? What was your experience?

Did you breast feed? What was your experience?

***What is your advice for a mother (ME) who struggled with nursing.

Would you ever consider giving your baby another mothers milk if you couldn't breast feed?

Whatever pearls of wisdom you successful nursing moms have out there, spill it!

What is the secret?

Jelly Fish, Stingray's & Sharks, Oh My!

2011-07-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

This picture makes me laugh because we both have our hands on our hip. *I do it to help my arm not look fat. And I also love that Conrad has his little hand on my stomach. I could die.

Please excuse the poor picture quality (My Nikon is broken. Sad day. so I used my point and shoot Canon.)

We took the little man to the Shark Reef this weekend. I've been trying to plan fun big boy outings for Conrad before the baby comes. I want him to feel special and get to do a few fun things and make memories with us before we become 4. Becoming FOUR.... It seems like although there are only 3 of us right now, this baby is already such a part of the fabric of our family. I can barely wait to have he/she out so Conrad can meet this baby of his. He has been very vocal about the baby being, "My baby Mom! Mine!" Which makes me so happy. I hope he's still singing the same tune in a few weeks.....

Conrad & Dustin's favorite animal at the Shark Reef was the octopus. Mine were the Jelly Fish. I swear I could sit and watch them for hours. They are SO beautiful. We're hoping we can hit the zoo before the baby comes. Dustin also said he wanted to park at the air port where you can watch the airplanes take off and land and have take out in the car with Conrad. I know it sounds boring, but to a 2 year old, to see air planes that close up would make his day.

Just a few more weeks!!!

( Eeeeeekkkk!!!!! )

This Week:

2011-07-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

-This reality TV couple was in our birth class this week. My midwife is delivering their next baby!

-This week, while walking down Seven Hills, during our morning walk, Conrad & I got attacked by a giant hummingbird sized beetle (which i swore had a stinger) and while swatting at it and yelling at it to go away, I caused my son to freak out too and start crying. I grabbed him out of his stroller and put him on my hip, and continued to fight off this monster sized beetle-wasp bug. All of a sudden I realize a white Escalade pulling up. The guy asks me if I'm OK in a squeaky, high pitched voice and I notice that it's MIKE TYSON?! He asks if we needed a ride because he saw I was pregnant. When he drove away, I noticed that my shirt was half way up over my huge ol' belly. I was pretty shocked that Mike Tyson stopped to help me but also pretty embarrassed.
-This week, I reflected upon this blog post when I was 27 weeks preggers with Conrad and it made me smile.
-This week I ate a spinach salad with a can of tuna on top and half a can of garbanzo beans every.single.day for lunch. It was heaven.
-This week, Dustin cut my toe nails for me since this baby is so big and my feet are out of reach.
-This week, I was introduced to my friend Laura's new tandem bike named Edward. He's all white and sparkles in the sun! (She loves Twilight just as much as I do!)
-This week, Conrad played a little game, his new favorite game called, "Show baby this" where he puts toys, food or whatever he wants to show the baby on my stomach. It's pretty darn adorable.
-This week, while playing play doh together, the dudes made mommy.

We're going on a "Baby moon" tonight!

It's not your typical baby moon I guess, but it works for us. We're not actually "going" anywhere....

Ideally, we'd spend a weekend at some fancy bed and breakfast or go to the beach, but we'll be staying home enjoying a quiet house without our toddler. It probably won't be this quiet again for a very long time, so we're going to enjoy it! One day (when student loans are all paid off....) we'll take a much needed trip to the beach. For now, we'll just pretend.

{Hope you're having a wonderful weekend!}